Kyuubisensei
by KaiuRoshi
Summary: When the chips are down, who can Naruto turn to? Rated R for language and stuff later on (R&R)
1. Kyuubi Sensei

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did I wouldn't be here. Me no claim. You no sue. Ok?

"NARUTO! YOU BAKA!"

The scream echoed over the rooftops of the Hidden Village of the Leaf, Konohagakure. There was a brief silence that passed over the busy streets as each citizen, shinobi and villager alike, inwardly grimaced and thought,

"That Uzumaki brat. What's he done this _time?"_

It was a tough life for a child to live by himself, hated by all except for a precious few people in the village. He had long since resigned himself to the fact that people hated his very existence and was determined to show them the error of their ways. He would prove the strength of his convictions, join the ranks of the greatest ninja of all time - the Hokages.

Right after Sakura stopped kicking him in the teeth.

What was up with her anyway? All he'd done was say hello. A little morning chit-chat before training with Kakashi-sensei. So how was he supposed to know that Sasuke was going to say something to make her blush? He had just got there. It was probably nothing anyway. Sakura-chan got so googly eyed over even the most mundane comments to pass that Uchiha bastard's lips. I'll show him…

"Naruto, you baka! Can't you see that I'm talking to Sasuke-kun? Sasuke?" Sakura turned around looking for Sasuke but noticed that he had wandered off while she was pummelling the hapless Naruto into the ground.

"Damn! If I hadn't been talking to you I could have still been with my precious Sasuke-kun…Will you just quit it already. I'm not interested in you okay? I never have and I never will. No just simply means no." She punctuated each second syllable with another kick to Naruto's limp body.

"You'll never reach Sasuke's level no matter hard you try so why do you have to keep on picking fights with him? Who can love you anyway? You're nothing but just an annoying , obnoxious, loud, pathetic excuse for a ninja. Sasuke is a hundred times a ninja than you are and he'll always be a hundred times a ninja than you'll ever be. " Turning on her heel, she left calling out for her precious Uchiha dream-boy.

The last thoughts that were going through Uzumaki Naruto's mind was,

Never love….pathetic…_Sasuke…._

A few hours later, Hatake Kakashi appeared in view with a cheery wave.

"Ohayo mina-san, I got lost on the road of life and had to help an old lady across the.. Whuh?" All he could see was Naruto lying in a foetal position in the middle of the clearing slowly oozing blood into the ground. Where was everyone else? Kakashi hopped down from the branch he was and examined the boy for serious injuries.

No pulse…. oh shit.

Naruto awoke to find himself in a dank sewer, walls slick with mildew that dripped what he hoped was water onto his head. Still a little bit groggy, he stumbled to his feet and realized where he was.

"Kuso! What the hell am I doing back here anyway? Last I remember was talking to Sakura-chan. Hang on, why can't I get out of here?". Naruto fumed and looked around angrily as if to lay the blame on the walls around him. The faces of the walls were blank.

[Up already I see…I was wondering when you'd deign to grace me with your presence. Come on up to the seal kid, we need to talk.] the Kyuubi's voice boomed from all around him.

Still grumbling to himself, Naruto made his way up to the seal that imprisoned the Demon Fox and demanded to know what the hell was going on.

[Buggered if I know what the hell is going on either, kid. This is your mind, runt, aren't you supposed to be in control? Anyway I didn't call you to talk about that. The thing is kid, I reckon you're dying and frankly I don't want to die with you. That Sakura bitch really has it in for you huh? Why I..]

"Don't call Sakura-chan a bitch you dumb fox! You don't know anything…"

[Sakura-CHAN _is it? Listen kid, if she loves you enough to beat the living snot out of you, maybe you'd better find another girlfriend, lover-boy. Now don't look at me like that, you damned brat. This pre-pubescent angst is really eating you up inside and taking it's toll on your blood pressure. I'd prefer it if we died in battle or something other than something stupid like coronary failure. That would be just _EMBARRASSING. _Imagine, the incredibly ancient evil youma, Kyuubi, destroyed because his gaoler died of heartbreak. It's got to stop kid and I'm the only one that's going to help you through it.]_

"What? You're going to be helping me with my love-life? And just what's in it for you? I'm not going to let you out of that seal just because you want to do a little match-making. I'm Uzumaki Naruto and I'm going to be the greatest Hokage of all time! What makes you think that I'm going to need your help?"

Two timeless pits of ineffable evil just stared witheringly down at Naruto. Those two orbs of crimson bloodlust drilled into the figure standing just beyond the bars of the seal as if wondering if this brat was really this stupid or putting on an incredibly good act. Deciding upon the former, the great demon fox launched into his explanation.

"Just what happened out there Kakashi? It looks like a tree fell on him." Tsunade's voice was inquiring. The injuries were numerous, mainly broken ribs and a broken jaw, it did look like there were repeated blows inflicted to the throat, stomach and groin region. If it weren't for the fact that Naruto had the chakra of the Kyuubi healing him, he'd most likely be dead or in a coma right now.

"How long did you say he was like this Kakashi?" she asked of the jounin.

Kakashi scratched at his head for a moment before answering.

"I had arrived fairly late to the training session I had with my team today and all I saw was Naruto lying in a bloodstained heap on the ground. Neither Sasuke nor Sakura were in the vicinity of the meeting site at the time." Kakashi looked pensive and hesitated before speaking again. "Now that I think about it, it's kind of suspicious for either Sasuke or Sakura to not be there. They're not normally late and that means they probably have something to do with his injuries."

"What would they have to do Naruto lying half dead on the forest floor? You don't seriously think that they'd kill their own team-mate do you? Especially not after all they went through with Orochimaru and the Akatsuki." the Fifth Hokage asked.

Kakashi shrugged.

"Go find the rest of your team and find out what the hell is going on, Kakashi. I want you to get to the bottom of this as soon as you can."

[So have you got it yet kid? I reckon it's all about mental strength. So she's a bitch and she hates your guts. Just get your mind to ignore the pain and get the hell on with becoming a better ninja. A mind is a very terrible thing to waste kid. Not that you've got very much of one but we'll just have to work around that eh?]

Naruto's glare could have melted rocks.

[Probably the only thing keeping you trapped in here is yourself. If you really want to get out here, then get the hell out of here. And get your thoughts out of the gutter, this place is probably a sewer 'cause your mind is a sewer. Honestly, 'Harem-no-Jutsu'? You want me to help you, then I want better lodgings. What? That damned curse seal is still going to be there, just in a different form. It's your mind. So is it a deal kid? I get a bit more freedom and in return swear not to betray you and I'll even throw in a few lessons for you. Hmm? So what do you say?]

Naruto considered this for a moment before an evil grinappeared on his whiskery face. With a snap of his fingers, the dank cesspool disappeared to be replaced with…

[A DOG-house? You blasted little brat!]


	2. Life Goes On

Disclaimer: I know it. You know it. I don't own Naruto.

Hatake Kakashi bounded from rooftop to rooftop, looking for his errant students throughout the commercial district of Konoha. Naruto's condition was pretty bad and anything that could shred _him _like that, then whatever it was, it'd be pretty lethal. A dire threat to the safety of the Leaf. Pausing for a moment above the Uchiha manor, Kakashi thought to himself,

_If I was a sex-crazed, Sasuke-fan girl, then it'd be pretty obvious that I'd be either hanging around his place or actively stalking him right now. It's getting close to supper time. Perhaps it'd be best if I just waited for Sasuke to show up here, for now._

A few minutes later, he saw the shape of Sasuke walking up the street and leapt down to greet him.

"Ohayo, Sasuke-kun. Why weren't you at the meeting place today?" Kakashi enquired, "it's not like you guys to just up and leave on me."

Sasuke grunted.

"Hai. Sakura and I got there early and waited. Naruto was slightly late and she was about to say something to the dobe but I got bored and left to do some of my own training. Those two losers would have only slowed me down anyway." he said contemptuously. "Sakura was about to say something about Naruto ruining something but I don't recall the rest. It probably was something silly anyway."

"Now, now Sasuke-kun. It isn't polite to call your team-mates "losers". They have both progressed far in their training and have become much more skilled. Especially Naruto."

Sasuke stiffened. The slight quiver to his eyes suggested that either he was reminded of something that he didn't want to think about, or that he got a immediate bad case of diarrhoea. Of course, with him, it was often hard to tell.

_That shut him up. I swear, I've really got to take that boy in hand before that attitude of his gets the team killed. Now that I think about it, I'm surprised that it hasn't happened already._

Sakura was not a happy camper. Kakashi-sensei was later than ever before. It was almost dinner time for goodness' sake. This really was intolerable. She had skipped breakfast so she could get some quality time in with Sasuke-kun until that baka Naruto showed up and ruined things. Again. Then she had spent the better part of the day, searching for her beloved Sasuke-kun, trudging through the forest until she got tired and had to take a nap. It was almost as if he was deliberately hiding from her! But that couldn't be the case,

NO! BE PERSISTENT!, her Inner Sakura screamed, WHEN SASUKE SEES HOW EARNESTLY YOU YEARN FOR HIS AFFECTIONS, THEN HE WILL THE SEE THE PROOF OF OUR LOVE!! TRUE LOVE WILL PREVAIL!!!

Yes!", Sakura cried. Thrusting a clenched fist in the air in imaginary triumph, the pink-haired kunoichi roared a battle-cry that resounded throughout the forest canopy. Lungs hoarse, she gathered her breath, dropped off the branch that she was standing on and walked home to eat her dinner before her parents became too angry.

Unbeknownst to her, Shikamaru watched her retreating form from a nearby branch. Sweat beaded on his brow as he considered what had just transpired before him.

"Okay then....."

"Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!", the female ninja chanted to herself as she left the forest behind her.

**Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke! I'm really getting tired of the word Sasuke! Sakura-chan, bleh....Sakura is so fixated on the prick that she completely disregards everyone else then she completely DESERVES the unresponsive lump. Everyone dotes on the bastard and thinks that the sun shines outta his arse! It's just unbelievable! I don't know why....**

_[Would you just shut up for a moment kid? You're giving me a headache.], _the Kyuubi whimpered quietly to Naruto.

_[ All you keep doing is going on about Sakura-this or Sasuke-that. Is this what you consider to be "mental strength" huh? Do you really think that they're going to change their way just because you whinge at them? It's going to take a lot more than that to become Hokage, little one...]_

**Little one? Are you getting soft on me, you dumb fox?**

_[Don't read anything into it brat, it just sort of slipped out. Now look at it this way....Don't most of the villagers hate you for no real reason?]_

**Yes.**

_[Don't you think that that's just a teensy leetle bit unfair?]_

**Yes!**

_[Don't you wish that you could do something that would stop them from doing that ever again?]_

**YES!**

_[Don't you wish that you could just disembowel the lot of them and play shower-tag with their entrails? To feel their lifeblood oozing around your claws as you run your talons around in langurously slow circles on their dripping carcass? to feel that indescribable ecsta...]_

**Huh? Hey! You're getting carried away again! How is watching you masturbate supposed to teach me anything? If I wanted to learn about animals getting fucked over I'd go swipe Kakashi'-sensei's copy of Icha Icha Paradise. Sheesh. You really ARE the Terror of Konoha huh?**

With an irate growl, the demon Kyuubi removed his muzzle from between his legs and scowled. Sighing, as if the next gobbet of wisdom it passed down to Naruto was really too taxing,

_[Alright gaki, that's enough for today. You're on your own for now. Just wake up and think about what I said. Now don't start. I meant the "mental strength" stuff. Your wounds should be healed by now but do try not too get into any more trouble for at least today alright? ]_

Naruto woke up in white pristine surroundings. The sharp scent of disinfectant and window cleaner told him without a doubt that he was once again in the Konoha hospital. The sun was shining outside and pouring light into the already bright room. Naruto wearily got up, wrinkling his eyes and disturbed the recumbent figure lying against the side of the bed. Confused, he sat up in bed and looked over the side. The figure's head was resting against his lap. He noted, with more than a little bit of surprise, that his sheets were soaked in the person's tears.

**Who would cry for me? This is the sweetest thing that...**

"Naruto?", the figure murmured as he got up.

It was Hinata of all people. As he twisted around so that he sat on the edge of the bed, she flung her arms around him and sobbed into his shoulder. He started in shock, before he tried to soothe her wracking sobs.

"I was so worried for you, Naruto-kun. I was training with Hokage-sama when you were brought in. There was so much blood. And I was so worried for you...", she trailed off as a rosy blush came to her cheeks.

"Don't think me forward Naruto-kun. I've always cared and admired you but was never able to express it before. I saw you being carried in by Kakashi Sama, I just couldn't help it. I just had to tell you because I didn't want to be a coward any longer. I was afraid that you would die." she sobbed.

"I love you, Naruto-kun."

Naruto was thunderstruck. He had searched all his life for someone to really care for him and to cherish his existence and thought that Sakura could be the one. Hinata really, truly cared for him. He was literally speechless. All he could do was sit there holding her but gape at the far wall as if someone had driven all rational thought out his head.

Someone cared for him. Someone loved him. Someone admired him. And all that he could do was stare into space, looking like a stunned fish. He couldn't think of anything meaningful to say. It was really quite frustrating.

They sat there, just holding each other, taking comfort in the nearness of each other for several minutes before turning to each other. Naruto simply gazed into Hinata's cool crystal depths. Hinata blushed a little as her childhood dreams came to fruition. She let herself fall deep into Naruto's intense blue eyes, her pulse quickening. Naruto struggled to control himself when she smiled as their lips descended down to kiss...

That is until a voice interrupted his flow of thought.

_[Score! I knew you could do it kid! Now you have to sniff her butt!]_

**Shut up you blasted fox!**


	3. Inner Struggles

Disclaimer: I don't Naruto. There. You know, I've been toying with the idea about chapter size and frequency of updates. I only write about 3 hours a day. So I can either crank out 1 small chapter each day or a big one every week or so. Any preferences?

* * *

Sasuke smirked.

The day, although slightly overcast, was perfect weather for another day of shinobi training. A cool breeze ruffled the leaves in the trees, taking the edge off the midday sun. Smoke curled lazily around the rooftops of Konohagakure, while birds sang of spring in the forest. It was one of those days when he could definitely see Shikamaru's attraction to simply lazing around, watching the clouds drift aimlessly by. It wasn't as if he couldn't afford to take a day or two off.

Orochimaru and the Hidden Village of the Sound had been slain, to the last man, woman and child, last year. He chuckled at the thought of that snake-bastard's last feeble pleas for mercy. Wasn't his head gracing some unimportant case in the Hokage's office? Something like that. His elder brother Itachi had finally been put to rest and Sasuke could finally break free of his past and begin to rebuild his clan.

Wasn't there something else? Kakashi-sensei had mentioned it. Ah, yes. He still had to beat that damned demon fox brat, Uzumaki Naruto. His smirk twisted into a sneer as he proceeded to train himself again, in earnest.

"SASUKE-KUN! Ohayo, Sasuke-kun!", Sakura cried out exuberantly as she ran into the clearing.

Oh great, it was the _troll._

Sure, Sakura was pretty by most standards but she was so weak and nattered on about the most mindless things. If it weren't for the fact that there was no Uchiha heir apparent yet, Sasuke would have slit his own throat ages ago. It really wasn't even worth the effort of even talking to her. Better to just tune out the incessant drone.

* * *

Kakashi appeared on a branch in a small plume of smoke. He wasn't at all surprised to see Sakura talking animatedly to an already hard-at-work Sasuke. It was interesting to note that Naruto wasn't already here.

Maybe he was more injured than I thought. This could be serious.

"Ohayo, everyone.. I got a little lost but managed to...", Kakashi began.

Both Sasuke and Sakura were incredulous. Looking at the shock that was written on their faces, one might of assumed that the world was coming to an end. It was clear that something was up.

"Kakashi sensei? You're on time! Are we under attack? Itachi's risen from the grave?", Sasuke asked with a slight shudder. He had obviously completely lost his composure .

The elder ninja simply waved his arms, assuring them that nothing was wrong. He had simply rearranged his schedule to take a few recent events into account.

"What events?",Sakura grimaced," Did something bad happen to all your porno? Or have you finally grown up and gotten a life?". Then she proceeded to vent exactly what she thought of his personal habits and professional ethics. Many of her words were colourful and were frequently punctuated with stabbing motions from her kunai. Sakura could feel herself shunted off to a small corner of her brain as the Inner Sakura took control.

"WHY DON'T YOU GO AND TAKE THAT FILTHY SMUT AND RAM IT UP YOUR ARSE, YOU DEGENERATE, PERVERTED STREAK OF ....."she roared, before trailing off and realizing _exactly _who she was yelling at.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the deep recesses of Haruno Sakura's mind, a psychic war was taking place. Outer Sakura had managed to get Inner in a headlock and was attempting to choke her to death. Inner managed to break free and counterattacked, slamming a fist and then a kick in quick succession to her opponent's midriff. Caught up in her own fury, Inner Sakura over-extended and was subjected to a mean left hook that caught her and jarred a few teeth loose. Sparks flew from between each other's eyes and then they both simultaneously drew their kunai.

Sakura's chest was heaving with exertion. Sakura's face was showing the after-effects of her personalities' struggle for dominance. At one moment, her face would be calm and sickeningly sweet but then be twisted into a feral snarl that threatened to emasculate any poor suspecting bastard that got too close. Her features continued to twist and morph with so much alarming speed that her face resembled two cats fighting in a sack. The noises coming from her mouth didn't fail to contribute to this conclusion.

Kakashi and Sasuke both were getting to be more than a little bit disturbed by this. "Disturbed" probably wasn't even a strong enough word. "Terrified" was probably a better substitute. Perhaps "Wetting their pants in primordial fear" summed up their feelings best at this point. It was clearly not safe to approach until she had calmed down.

Hmm.... whatever had torn up Naruto hadn't been any outside malevolence but been a member of his own team. Obviously Sakura has become increasingly jealous of her team-mates' successes and her own inadequacies that she's been driven mad. But where had that prodigal strength come from? I wonder if it's really safe for anyone else that gets caught up in her path?

Sasuke was dumbly sitting on his backside, staring at Sakura twitch maniacally as if he didn't really know her. _No help there then....._

He leapt down from the branch and attempted to put her out of her misery before she got out of hand, but Sakura collapsed in a heap before he could get close.

Maybe we can talk when she wakes up. If she wakes up.

There was a polite cough from behind him. He whirled around to see Kurenai's team staring dumbfounded, from the forest line.

"Ano, is this a bad time?"

* * *

Sakura groaned, wearily brushing a lock of hair away from her face as she opened her eyes. Sticks and pebbles were poking into her back and becoming an irritation. What she saw brought a flutter to her heart.

Sasuke-kun was staring down at her. His clear black pupils staring intently into her own emerald orbs as if concerned about something. She could clearly see a faint sheen of sweat that covered his face and he was breathing heavily and leaning over her. She was thrilled.

"Are you alright?", he asked slowly in a breathy voice.

WHEEEEEE!, Inner Sakura trilled, SASUKE-KUN CARES FOR ME! HE LOVES ME!

She didn't notice the kunai that was clenched tightly in his fist.

With a joyous cry she flung her arms around him and hugged him close to her. She didn't care that this may all be some fever-dream that was occurring right now. That is, until she felt a sharp blow to her stomach.

"Gah!" Sasuke punched her another time as he broke her bear-hug, backflipped a safe distance away and crouched into a ready fighting stance.

"It's the insane one! Everybody, look out!", he shouted to the trees as he drew another kunai and activated his Sharingan.

Sakura was shocked. Sasuke-kun had hit her! Twice! She glanced around the clearing and was alarmed to see no less than half a dozen ninja crouched behind barricades, each having drawn weapons, determined to sell their lives dearly. Kakashi-sensei was lurking in the trees with an intent scowl. Naruto crouched below him, tensed as if to spring at a moment's notice. To her right knelt Shino, arms extended, Destroyer bugs already swarming in the grass around him. Kurenai-sensei and Hyuuga Hinata stood opposite in battle stance, Hinata's Byakugan already activated. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Kiba and Akamaru snarling behind her, looking as feral as ever.

This couldn't be right! What was wrong with everyone? Why was everyone acting this way? She got up on her feet and stumbled a bit, her legs feeling a little woozy.

Kakashi called out to the ninja below him, "Easy everyone, don't make any sudden moves. She's clearly disturbed at the moment. She may go berserk at any time now."

She was disturbed, was she? Insane, huh? She spluttered a bit, not noticing seven pairs of hands tightening around their weapons. Then it dawned on her. This was one of Naruto's practical jokes! It had to be. There was no way that everyone would have it in for her. He must still be angry at her rejection yesterday and this was his immature way of getting back at her.

"You can give up now Naruto", she crowed," I know it's just one of your baka pranks you god-damned baka. I don't like you alright? I thought I made it clear to you yesterday that I never will like you that way. Now that I think about it, I don't think that I ever really liked you at all", she sneered before continuing," You're hopeless, you know that? Just accept the fact that you not worth my time."

Sakura turned to the nearest figure and pointed an accusing finger.

"I can tell that it's really you, Naruto! Look! You think that you're so good and you get the transformation all wrong! Hinata doesn't look like that! There's no way that she's ever going to have an expression like that on her! She's always timid and scared and looks like she's always on the verge of shitting herself in terror. You've got her appearance all wrong, you moron!"

Angry at the continuing pretense, Sakura charged the pseudo-Hinata and made as if to strike. Hinata ducked the ineffectual attack and delivered a shattering uppercut with her Hyuuga Ryu. The result of which was sending Sakura flying in the air before she hit the forest floor with a wet thump.

Six pairs of eyes swivelled in her direction, flabbergasted.

Hinata decked Sakura.


	4. Lessons

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. There, that's out of the way. I've thought about the reviews and I think that I'd prefer a compromise rather than an uberchapter every week (I'll just get bored), I think I'll do a decent sized one every day or so. Fair? Anyway, this one's about twice the size of my usual size. Even **_I_ **want to find out what happens next.

* * *

Six pairs of eyes mentally replayed what had just happened. They watched silently, slack-jawed, at the sight of the bone-jarring crunch of Hinata's palm as it smashed into Sakura's chin.

Six pairs of eyes silently traced the flight of Sakura's stunned body through the air.

Six people winced at the sound of the pinked-haired shinobi hitting the ground.

Six people were thinking fast, _right now_.

* * *

Sugoi! Hinata-chan is so brilliant! ,Naruto was cheering her on, **Sakura really shouldn't have said those nasty things about her, ha ha!**

[ Damn _kid, are you sure it's safe going after this one?]_

_

* * *

_

Yuuhi Kurenai beamed at her young protégé, she always knew that some day, sooner or later, Hinata's Hyuuga blood would boil over.

Be proud, Hinata. Be proud of yourself today.

* * *

_You go! Hinata! Kick her ass! Show her what happens when she messes with you! _It came out as "Woof! Bark!"

Yeah! You said it, Akamaru!, Kiba thought to himself.

* * *

Kakashi thought about something that the Third Hokage said to him once, something that he had repeated by Iruka.

The fire that burns in all of us flared a little brighter today. This will be a good lesson for all of us. Even Sakura will learn a little humility.

I don't think this is what the San-daime had in mind though.

* * *

Sasuke marvelled at the graceful flight of Sakura's body as it sailed through the air. Such grace. Such precision.

She's so strong and so beautiful. She's perfect! Why didn't I ever notice her _before? I'd better get a move on with her before Naruto smartens up and realizes what he's missing._

_

* * *

_

Shino was silent. As per usual. No flicker of emotion showed on what little of his face revealed.

Sakura looks nice. I wonder what I'd look like with that dress she's wearing?

* * *

After a moment, everyone relaxed. Sakura was out cold. Her chest rose and fell gently, showing that she was indeed, still alive. She did however, have a rather shocked and surprised expression on her face. It was certainly possible that even after impact, she didn't know what had hit her.

Kakashi was the first to snap out of his daze.

"Sasuke!", he ordered, jolting everyone else out of their funk, "Pick up Sakura and get her to the hospital. She took a pretty critical hit to the head. There may be some lasting damage."

"Gomen....", Hinata quavered, blushing in embarrassment and staring down at her feet.

With that, Sasuke sheathed his kunai, picked up Sakura gently and sped off to the hospital. He was silent as he ran, all the while thinking about the resurrection of Clan Uchiha and how Hinata fitted into those plans perfectly.

"Can you tell precisely what you were thinking, hitting Sakura so hard?", Kakashi sternly asked the cowering Hinata," You could have caused some serious damage, not even taking into account the Gentle Fist technique. If you had punched her in the face, you could have severed the chakra pathways in her brain!"

"Ano, I didn't really think about it Hatake-sama....", Hinata managed, not looking at his intimidating mask before forging ahead," I couldn't bear to see him being talked about that way, especially not by one of his own team-mates! He doesn't deserve it!". She flinched for a moment but then a certain steely edge entered her voice. A fire just behind her eyes switched on. "She of all people should understand what Naruto-kun is really like! I was so jealous of her when she was picked to be on his team instead of me but I tried to do what I could to prove that Naruto was right! I'm not pathetic and neither is he! She tried to attack her own team-mate and she deserved what she got. Naruto-kun is _my _precious person and I won't let _anybody _hurt the ones I love!". By this time she was red in the face and starting to get angry.

"Even so....", Kakashi began, with a hint of respect in his tone.

"Choto matte", the other jounin interrupted. " Why are you badgering _my _pupil like that for? Hinata did the right thing. Sakura has clearly gone insane and attacked her first. We all saw what happened. Hinata was perfectly justified in doing what she did. It's obvious that something should be done about _your _students."

"Maa, maa, I know that...it's just that...", Kakashi said, putting up his hands in a placatory gesture.

* * *

Hinata couldn't bear the scrutiny any longer. She knew that she had done the right thing. Tears were welling up in her eyes but were quickly smothered when Naruto swept her up in a comforting embrace. He gently kissed the top of her forehead and held her. Words were unnecessary. It just cluttered up the feelings that they both shared right now. They just stood there, oblivious to Shino and Kiba's stares and their teachers' argument.

Ah, so that's how it is...well, well, well. Kurenai glanced over Kakashi's shoulder at the two lovebirds. She smirked. Kakashi didn't fail to notice her smirk and turned around.

"Hinata is with Naruto?", Kiba managed to get out, stuttering. "Damn!" he thought. "I should of confessed my feelings first! Kuso!"

Akamaru barked out agreement.

"Enough with the I-told-you-so's, Akamaru!"

Kiba looked on at Hinata with faint vestiges of regret before he felt a hand clasp his shoulder warmly. It was Shino, looking adoringly at him in a manner that could only be called disturbing.

"Don't worry Kiba-kun... we'll always have each other."

Kiba went white. He jerked away and fell back on his arse.

"Gah!"

* * *

In another part of the forest, Hyuuga Neji was training with Tenten. He was trying to catch up with the elusive kunoichi, while dodging or deflecting shuriken and kunai alike. Every so often he would have to initiate the Kaiten manoeuvre, sometimes in mid-air, to avoid being hit with her

"SouShouRyu: Rising Twin Dragons!"

Two intertwining smoke wyrms forming a column of summoning scrolls from which she launched a constant barrage of flying kunai, shuriken, kama and other blades of all shapes and sizes. Those that were deflected by the Heavenly Spin were twisted around and constantly whirled around by chakra strings to strike at Neji from all directions again and again, from her vantage point up in the forest canopy.

Neji's chakra was running low. The strain of maintaining the Kaiten and Byakugan simultaneously while shifting chakra to his feet was making him feel more than a little bit light headed. The level of concentration to perform the Heavenly Spin while standing upside down under a branch or jutting out on a tree-trunk was giving him a migraine.

Suddenly, a pair of shuriken thudded into the meat of his back. He yelped in pain and momentarily lost concentration . Right when standing _underneath _a tree branch. Forty feet above the ground.

That blasted fucking blind spot!

Clenching his eyes, he dropped like a stone, frantically trying to a handhold anywhere before he hit the admittedly soft soil below. As he neared the ground and braced himself for the inevitable impact, he felt a sharp pain in his abdomen.

He opened his eyes wide open. Tenten had snuck up on him and hit him while he had his eyes closed! Damn! He hit the trunk with a 'thunk' sound and bounced the rest of the way towards the ground.

Tenten had hit him towards the tree trunk, breaking his fall somewhat. He lay on the ground, clutching his stomach. _Oh how considerate of you to do that. I'll have to repay the favour someday._

She walked up to where he lay and kicked him experimentally.

"Are you alright Neji?", she asked, concerned.

Neji grunted. Then got up and began to walk home, stumbling a bit.

"So that's enough training for today then, hmm?" Tenten called out cheerily. She was proud of her accomplishments today. It wasn't every day that she progressed so far.

Neji spat something then choked. No reply.

"Did you want to go and grab a bite to eat together later, Neji-kun?" she asked his retreating back.

Neji snorted but it turned into a wheezing cough. No reply.

What's been driven up his _arse? He can be such a jerk sometimes! Really! It was really hard to pull off something like what we just did today and he can't even say anything. If he was any more stiff, he'd be declared legally dead. God, I'm tired.... I really need a nice cup of tea._

_

* * *

_

A little while later, at an elegant little tea house just off the Konoha marketplace, Tenten had just arrived to see that Neji's cousin, Hinata, was already there, sipping from her cup. She stopped by and gestured to the younger woman.

"Can I join you?" she asked. Hinata was daintily eating some natto and wasn't too clear but there was something not quite right about her. To the untrained eye, it appeared nothing was amiss but Tenten was used to rigid Hyuuga discipline. Hinata was unusually cheerful today.

Hinata just waved for her to sit down.

They sat there drinking quietly, eating small sweets for a while before the hints of a smile that kept popping up on Hinata's face began to drive Tenten up the wall.

"What is up with you today? Spill. You look like a cat that's fallen into the cream.", she asked, exasperated. "Did Naruto finally catch on to all those signals you've been throwing his way these last six years?"

Hinata blushed.

"No, not quite. I was the one who told _him _how I really felt. It's finally happened." She was literally bubbling with euphoria. Hinata felt she just had to tell someone.

She told Tenten of the events that happened yesterday at the Konoha hospital and the one in the forest this morning. Hinata felt so relieved to get it off her chest, after gushing all of it out.

Tenten didn't know what to say. She felt nauseated when she heard about what Naruto's injuries upon being admitted to the hospital. She had tears in her eyes when she heard about Hinata's heartfelt moment alone with him. Tenten was scandalised to hear what Sakura really thought of him and held her in a triumphant hug when she heard about what Hinata did to solve that problem.

They were both silent for a while. The other patrons were giving them funny looks.

Tenten sighed.

If only Neji could be as spontaneous as that. Hinata was a very lucky girl. Neji didn't have even a single romantic bone in his body. All he cared about was beating up Naruto. She didn't know why he tried anymore. He had been put in hospital the last three times he thought he could take on the energetic, blonde fuzzball. Frankly, she didn't know why she pursued him anymore.

She said as much to Hinata. It was just one of those moments when they could get all their intimate secrets out in the open. Just between the two of them. It was really quite liberating.

They finished off their tea and sat there for a while.

"So...", Tenten ventured, "have you and Naruto, done _it _yet?". She blushed.

Hinata blushed harder. They did have a special celebration planned for tonight. She went even more crimson at the thought.

She then got a speculative look.

Tenten just looked back.

They both smirked.

* * *

Naruto and Hinata were walking back to his apartment, after a night on the town, having had dinner (not at the Ichiraku), Naruto's face seemed oddly blank as they sauntered down Konoha's side streets.

Inside Naruto's mind, he was receiving a very bizarre lesson from the Kyuubi.

[Concentrate kid! You really have to concentrate on this one. Like I said before, I'm going to be teaching to you about 'mental' strength. The first thing is about PAIN. What are you doing kid?]

Naruto was looking around at the new décor that the Kyuubi had installed inside its doghouse. It was interesting to note that the Kyuubi had taken the form of a fox-headed humanoid in thick red robes sitting in front of a blazing fireplace in a plush, high backed chair. Funnily enough, it was also attempting to smoke a pipe. This was most like hampered by the fact that in order to get a decent drag, he had to ram it in and out of a leather muzzle that was the seal's current incarnation.

[Look, quit smiling will you? You're really getting on my testicles. Yes! I do _have testicles, you sarcastic little snot. Anyway, where was I? Pain? Oh yes...the proper application of pain is, what? Alright, I'll keep to the point._

Pain is merely a symptom of the mind. You can ignore it if you really have to. If you don't feel pain or fatigue, or feel less of it than your opponent then you keep going at it longer. The saying "No pain. No gain." is a crock of shit, kid. It doesn't apply to this case. With this technique, you can alter your nervous system so you can run longer, fight harder as long as you have the chakra. But watch out gaki, when you run out, or turn it off, all that excess fatigue will come and bite you in the bum. Hard.

Don't worry though, we're going to have to learn this in stages. Before we can reduce or eliminate your sensations entirely, we're going to have to play around with the settings. You have to learn how to adjust your tactile senses first. Try to increase your sensitivity.....yes, that's right]

* * *

A little while later, what seemed to be an eternity in his mind, turned out to be moments outside. They had arrived at the front door of his apartment.

Hinata gave him a concerned look, asking if everything was alright. After mumbling a muffled confirmation, she just smiled and leaned her head against his.

Fumbling for the keys, he unlocked the door and let them both in. The mess in his house had been cleared away earlier after training and looked surprisingly clean. They stared into each other's eyes for a moment before Hinata opened her mouth to speak.

Naruto hushed her with a single finger to her lips. She smiled and laid her head against his chest. Then she turned to him and asked,

"Naruto-kun, have you ever.....", before trailing off significantly.

"Ever what, Hinata-chan?"

She blushed before continuing. "Naruto-kun, I've waited so long for you to acknowledge me so I just can't wait any longer...I just have to....". She had trailed off again. Hinata gave him a rather pointed look.

Naruto just waited expectantly for her to say something.

She changed tactics. "I've never done this before Naruto-kun. I just wanted you so badly. I'm a virgin.", she confessed. She blushed again.

"What's that?" he asked, confused.

Why am I not surprised? she thought to herself.

She had had enough. She lunged at him and kissed him hard, her tongue exploring the confines of his mouth clutching him tight to her with one hand and unzipping his trousers with the other.

He broke off and looked sheepish. All he could say was "Oh..."

Hinata got an impish look in her eyes and asked him to wait there while she dashed into his bedroom. Naruto just stood there with his pants around his ankles and tried to stop a nosebleed.

After a while, Hinata called out for him to join her.

Waddling quickly towards the door of his boudoir, he was surprised to see Hinata naked except for a silky black negligee, sprawled on her back against his pillows beckoning to him. Draped across her was Tenten in a matching white number, staring at him with a salacious smile plastered across her face.

If Naruto's grin was any wider, it'd take his head off at the shoulders.


	5. Conversations

Disclaimer: Yep, it's me again. I don't own Naruto ok? Now that I've gooten going it's just all pouring out. I really don't like Author's Notes but I'll just point something out. I don't generally reveal all background info first up. I slide it into the fic itself. All the hints are there. I've made it pretty obvious. I prefer subtlety. Great reviews so far, but I won't waste your time and mine just regurgitating them. If you want to know what other people think just click on reviews. Just for general consensus - I have never been on crack nor have I been high while writing this. I am however a freak and all round twisted bastard. Thank you.

* * *

Naruto stirred. He could still remember the events that transpired last night. He was still lying in bed and could feel the bodies of Hinata and Tenten still tenderly holding him between them. The young man known as Uzumaki Naruto, sleepily opened one eye and stretched as much as could without disturbing the sleeping beauties beside him. He glanced down at Hinata's sleeping face. The angelic face that he beheld revealed nothing of the feral, screaming fury she had shown the previous night. Wincing, he shifted his back a little, hoping that the gashes she had torn in his back hadn't bled too much.

Forget ramen. Naruto had found a new obsession in life. This was infinitely better. Forget about rushing down to the Ichiraku every chance that he got to gulp down twenty bowls of ramen. Maybe only five or ten. Maybe. This had completely changed his life.

"Good morning, Naruto-kun", Tenten whispered breathily. She had rolled onto her stomach and was resting her chin on her palms and his chest. Nestled quite close to his flank and playing footsie under the sheets, she had a knowing look in her eyes.

"Pleasant thoughts?" she asked archly. Naruto only grinned.

They both closed their eyes and were silent for a time before Naruto ventured a question he had been meaning to ask.

"Can I ask you something?". She just murmured a vague assent.

"What's your name, babe?"

Her eyes shot open and was about to castigate him before she saw the mischievous glint that sparkled in his eyes. She settled for reaching down towards his groin and gave his penis a sharp twist ninety degrees to the left. Naruto barely bit back a wince as his eyes watered.

"That wasn't very funny, Naruto-kun..." she smiled sweetly.

"Hai, hai....", he managed to choke out," I was just kidding Tenten, uh..Tenten -sama..." The look in his face was pleading for her not to do that again.

"Seriously, though...I was surprised to find you here with Hinata and me, last night. Not disappointed mind you, no not disappointed at all...It's just that I was left wondering, because you've never really showed any real interest in me before."

Tenten looked pensive and carefully considered her answer. After a few minutes, she began to explain.

"Well to be absolutely honest, I never really knew you before the first Chuunin exam we took around six years ago. Remember that? Who was that Sand girl who eliminated me in the preliminary? What was her name? Tegami? Tayaki?"

"Temari"

"Yeah, that's right. Anyway, I was in an older class than you two and hadn't really paid that much attention to you. I knew that people teased you a lot but was never into that kind of thing. I didn't know you, so I didn't make any judgements. Besides, by the time you graduated, I was already on missions with Gai-sensei and the others. Then of course, there was the Chuunin exam and I initially dismissed you as an overly loud, hyperactive ninja wannabe. You know? That hasn't changed."

"Thanks...", he replied dryly.

"Don't mention it", she waved the remark away with a small smile, " I mean everyone said that you graduated 'dead-last'. Don't look at me like that, Uzumaki, it's just a word. I mean up until the preliminaries I just went along with everyone else. But when you defeated Kiba and then went on to kick the shit out of Neji in the finals, I knew that something wasn't right. It just didn't make any sense when you compared it to all the rumours. So I just flat out threw them out the window and decided to get to know you for real. You're absolutely amazing, you know that?"

Naruto just blushed in embarrassment.

"You're still loud and brash and over-confident, but that just make you so much more appealing you know? It's like you brighten up a room, just by entering with that goofy grin on your face."

"Hey! It's not a 'goofy' grin. That's what I always look like." he protested.

"Don't worry about it. I like it." she answered shyly. " In the last six years, you've done some incredible things. Like beating up Orochimaru and avenging the Third. Or eradicating the Akatsuki. You make me feel like...I don't know, that I could do anything just by being near you. I _like _you, Naruto-kun. I really honestly do. I just followed Neji around because of this silly little crush I had on him back in our graduating year. You know, little girl stuff. Like what you had on Sakura or what she has on Uchiha."

"Yeah...tell me about it."

"Anyway, Neji is really obsessed with his family problems. I guess that he just wanted to prove Hyuuga is still the most powerful clan by knocking the stuffing out of you and Sasuke. He just ignores Lee and me unless we're on a mission or when he wants us to help train him. I just gave up on him. It didn't really hurt that much, now that I think about it, it was probably just a puppy-dog crush."

She glanced furtively at Hinata, checking to see if she was still sound asleep. The other kunoichi seemed to be smiling in her sleep.

"Can you keep a secret?", she whispered, "a really big secret?" He nodded. "Well I used to have this crush on Mitarashi Anko.", she giggled." I followed her around adoringly for weeks before she told me to quit bugging her. She probably thought I was just a fan of hers, you know?" Tenten giggled again.

"Anko?". Naruto gaped like a fish.

"Neji can be so cold and reclusive. Not as bad as Uchiha, but still pretty bad. Yesterday when I got lucky in training and managed to cause some real damage to him, he refused to speak to me for the rest of the day. I think that was it really. I met up with Hinata at that little tea house, you know...the one just off the marketplace? We just talked you know? About girl stuff mainly, until the conversation turned to you. You can be so brave and kind, so when Hinata suggested that I come on over, I decided to take a chance. Well, you know the rest....Are you crying Naruto?"

"I didn't know that you felt that way...it's touching really."

"Well I do, and don't you forget it." She got up on her knees and stretched exaggeratedly, letting Naruto's eyes stare at the interesting movement of her breasts before coming back down again to kiss him.

"YOU had a crush on Anko?" a voice said, off to the side. Hinata was trying not to laugh.

Tenten broke off the kiss and flushed. She was never going to live this down.

* * *

Sakura woke up in the infirmary. Shizune, the Hokage's assistant was taking notes in a chair next to her bed. She asked about how she got here.

"You fell unconscious during training. Hyuuga Hinata must have hit you really hard." she answered. Her voice was even and detached.

"Hinata? Hinata put me in the hospital? There's no way that could have happened! She's so nice and gentle to everyone! What could I have done to her to make her so angry? I thought it was Naruto..."

Shizune gave her patient an even look.

"No. It was really Hyuuga-san. Apparently from what your former team-mates and from what the former Team #8 described, you started abusing Kakashi-senpai, before collapsing in a heap. Upon regaining consciousness, you attacked young Uchiha-san and then started to defame Naruto. Hinata took exception to this, so when you charged her, she struck out with excessive force. Don't worry, Hyuuga-san has already been reprimanded for trying to murder you." For all her expression showed, she may well have been describing the weather, for all the emotion she showed.

"When she retaliated, she used her family's jyuuken-fu, and delivered a powerful blow to your head. It is a wonder that your brains weren't turned to mush. Apparently you are more powerful than you look. Your sensei has expressed some concerns over your wellbeing and has asked me to help you with any problems that may have arisen."

Sakura's face became grim.

"My problem is with Naruto! He's always so obnoxious and loud! He always tries to butt in and interfere with my relationship with Sasuke! He's always saying how he's going to be the next Hokage and that we'd better show some respect. He always manages to bumble his way into making the missions we go on, all that much more dangerous. He's such a baka that it's not funny."

The temperature of the room seemed to drop a few degrees. Shizune's voice if it was cold before, was positively frosty now.

"You need to grow up, Ms Haruno. It has been many years since Uzumaki-sama could ever be considered a dropout. He has accomplished some truly astonishing things for someone of his age group. He and others of his graduating class have already been promoted already. Uzumaki-sama, Uchiha-san, Mr Nara, Mr Aburame and Mr Hyuuga have already made jounin. I believe that Ms Hyuuga, Ms Tenten, Ms Yamanaka, Messrs Inuzuka, Lee and Akimichi have also made chuunin. You are the only one left who is stll genin."

"Uzumaki-sama has repeatedly saved all our lives, including your own on many occasions", Shizune's voice was rising to a steady crescendo, "He defeated the Demon Serpent Manda in hand-to-hand combat for goodness' sake!" she was shouting, before she calmed down and mopped at her brow with a handkerchief.

Sakura was sitting in bed, holding her knees to her chest, looking miserable as she was being chewed out.

"I believe that you still remember him as being the incompetent brat that he was, back at the academy. You also have only got eyes for Sasuke which is a very commendable thing since there are many other potential suitors out there who are more receptive than the Uchiha kid", she said, relenting a little at seeing how torn up the Haruno girl was getting.

"You're not a stupid girl. You most likely know that Uzumaki-sama is a very skilled and powerful ninja but have been unconsciously ignoring because you believe you love Mr Uchiha. You are also not weak. Don't blame your own shortcomings onto Naruto. He has had a hard enough life so far, and he most likely will not be able to cope with the duties of a jounin as well. I believe his holiday is almost over and soon he must take up those responsibilities."

Her voice became warmer and she put a comforting hand on Sakura's knee.

"You could very well just be a late bloomer. Your academy scores rated high in your intelligence, chakra control and genjutsu techniques. You have also recently shown remarkable strength and raw power as evidenced by your assault upon Naruto. I don't think there are many things that could do that much damage to him...", then it dawned on her, "he didn't fight back did he? He just took the punishment. Whether he deserved it or not. Poor kid, I guess he must be used to it." Her eyes hardened again.

"Kakashi has requested that he be reassigned to active jounin duty again and the Hokage has acceded to his request for the time being.Apparently, he has had enough of you. Konoha has long since recovered from the Sand village attack and the predations of the Akatsuki. You will be reassigned to a new team under Mitarashi Anko. She will further train your genjutsu techniques and improve your latent taijutsu skills. The academy's graduation ceremony is tomorrow. Don't be late for the introductory meeting a week after. Until then, your time is your own." With that final aside, the medical-nin left, leaving a silent Sakura to think about the coming future.

* * *

Several hours later, Hyuuga Neji completed his training and went looking for Tenten. He felt he had to apologise to her for his dishonourable conduct yesterday at the training grounds. He hoped that she wouldn't hold against him and help to train him again like before. He had never had a workout that punishing before and he could already feel more powerful. Neji had even thought to bring a gift of an engraved Shosuro-style ninja-to as his way of making an apology.

He left the weaponsmith's workshop and tried to look for her in all of her usual haunts: the training grounds, the archery range, that little tea house just off the marketplace that he she knew she frequented. She wasn't at any of them.

Dashing off to the Hokage's tower, he wondered if she might be on a mission. _Damn it _he thought, _Now how am I supposed to get more training done?_

_

* * *

_

Rock Lee was having the time of his life. He was sitting on the edge of a building eating his obento and thinking about the peculiarities of life. He grinned. Finishing off his lunch, he got back to work.

* * *

She wasn't on a mission. This annoyed Neji to no end. In fact, it would be safe to say that he was getting downright pissed off. How was he to get any better to be able to even the score between he and Uzumaki if his favourite sparring-mate had upped and left. Inwardly he admitted, she wasn't just his sparring partner, but hoped that she could be more than that, perhaps his girlfriend or something like that down the line.

Frustrated, he decided to go to the Uzumaki brat's place anyway.

I'm a lot stronger today anyway, and I can do the Kaiten while airborne now. That'll give me enough of an edge to defeat the bastard.

He arrived about a block away from his nemesis' apartment and crept quietly from corner to corner just in case, Naruto was on his guard. It wasn't likely but you never knew what you might encounter.

He was about to cross the street towards the complex when he saw a sight that blasted all coherent thought out of his mind. His cousin Hinata and Tenten were kissing just outside Naruto's front door. They were locked in a passionate embrace, mussing each other's hair as they played tonsil tennis just outside Uzumaki's door.

"Just what the fuck is going on?" he managed to squeak. His knees trembled and he dropped his gift with a clatter on the ground beside him.

His girlfriend had apparently left him for another girl! Was he really that bad? It was just intolerable! And what the hell were they doing outside Uzumaki's flat?

"Yep", said a voice behind him.

Behind him was Rock Lee who had just dropped down from the top of the building. He still wore that lurid green jumpsuit but clutched a long telescope in his hands. He was also grinning like a loon.

"They've been at it all day. With Naruto. Good thing, he doesn't close his curtains huh?", he said cheekily, patting the telescope," I figured something was up with Tenten and asked Gai-sensei to put it to me straight."

Neji was in no mood for Lee's antics today. He had just watched his beloved Tenten tongue-wrestle his despised cousin Hinata to a standstill and had just learnt that they've been shagging his worst rival all day!

"Oh yes?", he snarled at Lee," How exactly has Gai-sensei been _putting it to you _Lee-kun?". Perhaps he was getting overboard and was simply lashing out to vent his frustrations.

Lee simply shrugged off the not-so-veiled insult.

"Hai, shoot the messenger."


	6. Damn it!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Some people have requested that I write a lemon related to this fic. Maybe. I'm more interested in the story than the smut and am not really sure about making it ALL smut anyway. I enjoy it just as much as anyone else but I've got some reservations about how far I'm allowed to push the envelope. Anyway we'll see. By the way, every thing is on a roll lately. Three chapters in a single day! Well, 24 hour period anyway. It's something to do while downloading Naruto episodes.

* * *

"Hai, shoot the messenger."

"You know if you can't stop staring like that your eyeballs are going to burst", Lee remarked, "then where will your Byakugan be?"

With great force of will, Hyuuga Neji tore his eyes away from the two girls and turned to face Lee. It still looked like was about to do something rash. Like kill a certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed bastard ninja.

Rock Lee looked apprehensive. "Now isn't the time for revenge, Neji." he said calmly. "There's too many witnesses about anyway. And what will killing your cousin in front of her prove anyway? There's a time and a place for everything."

"What's your stake in all this? Why are you helping me?" Neji enquired suspiciously.

Lee made a dismissive gesture. "Tenten and I hooked up last year. It was just lust but it still hurt when she left me. I intend to get a little payback." He wore a disgusting smirk.

Is everybody but me actually gettin' some?

Neji looked at him strangely. Where was the flamboyant, passionate ninja that he knew from their genin days?

With one fist on his hip and the other fist pointing straight in the air, Lee thrust out his pelvis and cried,

"YO-OSH! THEIR FIERY YOUTHFUL EXPLOSION IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE GREEN BEAST OF KONOHA'S REVENGE!!!"

Ah, there he was.

* * *

The last few days of his well-earned holiday had been absolute bliss. It showed in all his movements and all his gestures, that Naruto was living his life as fully as he could before having to go back to his jounin duties. He received more than a few hard looks from his colleagues who still went about on their missions, or were saddled with training new genin teams. Neji in particular seemed to hold something against him and appeared to be planning something nasty, but what he could not tell. Naruto wasn't really fussed about that anyway. Neji _always _had a chip on his shoulder about something.

He had settled into a sort of pseudo-domestic routine. Tenten and Hinata had surprisingly simply decided to move in. Not even a by-your-leave. It was if, between them, they had mapped out the rest of their lives together. That vague thought nagged at the back of his mind like a cancer. Tenten's parents were Anbu, were gone on missions most of the time and didn't have any younger siblings to worry about. To Naruto's dismay, Hinata had simply packed up her belongings and left. Her father wasn't too keen on her "living in sin" with the Uzumaki brat. From what he heard of local gossip, she had apparently told him in clear and precise terms, that he could take his opinion of her "shame and dishonour to the Hyuuga family name" and shove it far enough up his arse so that he could choke on it. Those weren't here _exact _words however. Hiashi-sama apparently blanched at her choice of terminology long enough for her to beat a hasty escape without reprisal. For now anyway.

Every day, they would wake up early in the morning at the butt-crack of dawn and prepare a morning meal. Tenten had introduced him to the joys of nutritious food and Hinata got him started on greens. If he didn't see another vegetable between now and the rest of his life, it would still be too soon, however unlikely that was. There were compensations of course.

He had training partners who didn't mind learning what he had to teach and he didn't mind learning from them. No, he didn't mind at all. While he worked on improving his fairly shoddy chakra control with Hinata, she learned a great deal about long-range combat from Tenten while she worked on her raw stamina, which is where Naruto excelled. It was a perfectly symbiotic relationship.

Generally after they got too tired and beat up to train anymore, they'd stagger back home to have dinner and a shower. Sometimes two. Afterwards, sex. Absolutely mind-altering sex.

How could he forget the sex? He really liked that the most.

Welcome to life with a penis.

Naruto knew it couldn't last. Something would happen to ruin their little slice of paradise. Jounin duties. Chuunin duties. Missions for the village. Whatever surprise Neji had cooked up. He wasn't stupid, it was only a matter of time that Neji would find out about Tenten's new personal status and take umbrage. Then of course, there was the ever lurking danger of Hiashi's revenge over Hinata's insult.

Now _that _had surprised Naruto more than anything else that happened over the last week or so. Hinata had seemed to shed more and more of her old personality as the days flew by. She became much more forthright in her opinions and more confident of her abilities. Hinata now exuded a palpable aura of self-assured confidence. It appeared that nothing fazed her now.

The dreaded day finally arrived. His holiday was over. He wanted to just stay in bed all day and forget about returning to work. Naruto mumbled into his pillow and tried to go back to sleep. Hinata sighed, knowing that things would only get worse if the Hokage had to send a messenger. With that thought in mind, she roughly kicked him out of bed.

Falling out with a thump, Naruto bit back from muttering a curse. Tenten had _opinions _about foul language. He wasn't about to volunteer to forfeit meals for a month over something like this. He couldn't even call upon Hinata for help in those situations, they tended to gang up on him. Not that he minded all _that _much. It was just that he had the feeling that they had some preconceived notion of how he ought to be and they were going to stuff him, despite his protests, into that image. Naruto sighed, it was safer not to argue. Feeling a tad henpecked, he stumbled into his clothes and left for his meeting with the old hag.

* * *

"Ohayo, obaa-chan!" Naruto shouted as he bundled into the room. For some reason, Iruka-sensei was with her as well. He was holding a large file envelope in his hands. They appeared to be laughing over something.

The Fifth Hokage then straightened and shuffled the files on her desk.

"You're late Naruto. You're very late. I think hanging around Jiraiya and Kakashi too much seems to have rubbed off on you." She threw up her hands in mock prayer and made some muffled comment about another generation being corrupted.

Iruka cleared his throat and handed Naruto the file. "All the other jounins have already left to be introduced to their teams already, Naruto-kun. This is the file for the team assigned to you. Normally before we would have just picked teams that had overall equal strength. But that was before you came along and messed all our calculations up."

Naruto just smiled in pride.

"Anyway", Iruka continued," Now we're trying something else. We're tailoring each team to the personality and the skills of each jounin team leader. This means each of the teams can further specialise for different roles."

Naruto looked excited. "And you gave me the best of this year's crop because I'm obviously such a great teacher and brilliant ninja right? you've got to give the best recruits to the best ninja right?"

Tsunade choked on her tea, spraying hot liquid from her nose.

"Yeah, uh...that's right. That's exactly it. You've hit it right on the head. Well done." she congratulated him.

Iruka's lips began to twitch at the corners.

"Anyway, I'd better be going then!", Naruto grabbed the file and left, dashing out of the tower, eager to meet the new elites that he'd mould in his own image. Pausing for a moment to glance at the names on his list, his eyes widened.

"RAAAAAAAAARGH!"

Tsunade and Iruka heard the scream of outrage and collapsed on the ground, laughing.

* * *

Lee was talking with Neji at the barbecue pits. A great many empty bottles of sake were lying around them. Only Neji was drinking. Everyone knew what happened to Lee when he drank. Konohagakure didn't want to see anything like that again. Lee looked longingly at the bottle of Hida shochu that Neji was waving around. It was said that, the stuff could kill a fair sized young tree if poured on the roots. _He _was drinking tea. Lee was sick of tea.

Neji was raving about love and betrayal and how his life sucked. What was the point of it all, when you really got down to it. He was sobbing quietly into his chin, taking the occasional swig from the clay flask he was holding.

Lee was oblivious to the other's drunken ramblings, his eyes darted back and forth watching the motion of the flask enviously. Even over the smell of roasting meat that filled the bar to overflowing, he could still scent that aromatic tang, that beckoned to him.

Just one taste it sang to him _just one drop would take all your troubles away._

He noticed that the meat in front of him was burning and hurriedly scooped it up and put it on a plate. It was at that moment that he noticed Tenten enter the restaurant with Kurenai.

Don't tell me she's bonking her now, he thought nastily.

Glancing at Neji, he fervently hoped he wouldn't notice the pair at the bar and cause a scene. It was too late, he had already risen and begun to stagger towards the bar, clutching the ninja-to he had bought as a gift. Lee muttered a few choice oaths under his breath and started looking around for an escape route.

Tenten was chatting with Kurenai about the quality of this year's crop of genin recruits when a horrible smell started emanating from behind her. At first thinking that it was Kiba, she was about to tell him to quit stalking her but found, in equal parts surprise and disgust, that it was Neji.

"Ahm sho shorry Tenten", Neji bawled. His breath smelled like a syphilitic skunk had crawled in his mouth and died. She shied slightly away from him.

"Ah've been an absholute beash! I'm sho verwy shorry!", drunken tears running down his cheeks.

Kurenai started telling him to go home and sleep it off, but Tenten interrupted her. She had noticed Lee trying to hide behind a menu but there was no disguising his bowl cut or his distinctive green uniform. She was going to enjoy this.

"No, I want to hear this." She did however, move her stool further away.

"Pleash forgiffe mee? Ah'm sho shorry fer beein shuch a hic prick. I mushta been a real shellfish jerk!." He slapped the ninja-to on the counter in front of her.

"Ah've got dis fer yoo.....ta shay ah'm'n shorry hic. Ai lovesh yoo!" he declared at length.

Leaning on the counter with one hand he pointed at her with one hand. Neji hesitated as if the words were slow to travel from his brain to his mouth but he eventually started to ramble again.

"I lovesh yoo! Whysh you going ta shleep with Hinata eh? You'sh a leshbian? But I'sh lovesh you sho mush! Whysh you go breaksh my heart like dat? Whysh you go on fuckin' Ushu...Ushum...dat dobe." he managed before trailing off. His next words, albeit muffled from the booze, were clearly recognisable.

"Shlut."

The silence in the bar was deafening. You could of heard a mouse fart from across the street. Rock Lee was desperately mouthing a prayer to the Seven Fortunes. The other patrons, although initially were amused by the Hyuuga's predicament were now edging towards the exit.

"What did you say?", Tenten asked in a deceptively sweet voice. That in itself should of told Neji to run for the hills but he was in no state of mind to pick up even that hint and continued on regardless.

"Can I see that blade, Neji-kun?", she said, gesturing to the elegant weapon. "Mmmm, that's quality workmanship, right there. Why'd did you get me this, Neji-kun?". Even Kurenai was stepping backwards now. Tenten was beginning to scare her.

"Ah got it fer yoo. I figgered yer'd come back if I got it fer ya. Ah hic weally want yoush to help me train agin. I needsh to get shtronger to beat up datsh Ushu-...Oozu- .....dat dobe." he sobbed.

"I see." Tenten replied, smiling. She pulled out the blade from its sheath and admired the razor-sharp blade in the lantern-light. "Such an exquisite blade, Neji-kun, it's so perfectedly balanced", she seemed to coo," but here's what I think of it."

She rammed it straight down into Neji's palm and through the counter right on up to the hilt, before storming out.

The rest of the patrons sighed in relief. Neji had gotten off lightly.


	7. Trouble in Paradise

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Sorry it's late. The time difference here in Australia means that although **I** update everyday, it takes a while for the server to figure this out so bear with me and of course, R&R. And to that one person who didn't offer any constructive criticism but only launched a personal attack at me instead of my work I say this. If you haven't got the guts to sign the "review" and quit hiding behind the shield of anonymity, then you're just wasting your time.

* * *

Naruto stared at the file before him. He felt like storming over to the Hokage's office and demanding that he be reassigned somewhere else. That would have been stupid however. The last person who did that was Sasuke. He had been saddled with a diplomatic courier job and protested it vehemently. He had been sent to a remote observational outpost for three months. No there had to be another way to get around this.

He also had to manage to get out of it by the end of the day. He remembered an appointment to see the girls about furnishing the apartment. Inwardly he cringed. Naruto had totally forgotten that.

He had to get help.

Naruto ran through the tunnels of his mind, looking for the Kyuubi. He needed its diabolical cunning, its intimate knowledge of Machiavellian evil. He could only think of one being more dastardly and despicable but unfortunately, _he _was on his genin team.

Naruto had to settle for second-best.

* * *

He noticed that the walls of his mind were once again dank and smelly, if anything, it had gotten worse in the last few days. Now they were almost claustrophobic.

Probably ever since the girls moved in, Naruto snickered.

He burst through a door marked "Private" and nearly had a heart attack.

It was a stone chamber, with hooks and chains dangling from the ceiling. There were manacles hanging from the walls. He whirled around saw an iron maiden in the corner and a large rack in the centre of the room.

Kyuubi was standing next to a rubber dummy of a bitch fox dressed in an executioner's mask and no less than eight studded leather brassieres. It was hanging, suspended by its forelegs and had a gag in its mouth. He was standing right next to it, dressed in S&M gear, holding a cat-o'-nine-tails whipping the dummy in one claw and whacking off with the other.

This was a sight more disturbing than when he had caught Jiraiya and Tsunade humping on her desk. Not even the sight of Pervert-sennin's old shrivelled balls slapping up against her arse, with her legs sticking in the air could compare to this. Maybe. But it'd be close.

Naruto gagged. Kyuubi barely gave him a glance.

**What in the name of flying FUCK do you think you're doing, you sick perverted fuck?**

Kyuubi snorted. _[Like you can say anything, you little brat. You've been ignoring all my calls for four days! You're absolutely wallowing in carnal pleasure and you don't even have the common decency to brag to me about it. I'm a ten thousand year old immortal and haven't been laid in about half that! I have to take what I can get!]_

Naruto tried to get over his shock and explained about his situation with the Hokage.

...and curtains! Oh god, I forgot the curtains! Please, you've got to help meeeeeeee......

[Now look, you've got a good thing going right now. Don't mess it up because you haven't got the balls to take the good with the bad, gaki. I would kill to be in your _position, I'd plunge the world into eternal darkness to be in your....well, I'd do that anyway....what?]_

Stand down, would you? I don't want to keep staring full on your hard-on while we're talking alright? Naruto has holding a hand over his eyes.

Staring at the whip in one claw and staring at its crotch, Kyuubi snarled and tossed the whip over its shoulder and dropped to all fours.

[Sod it. I was getting bored anyway. It's just not the same. Ha! I bet you've been using the Heightening Touch Technique to good result in bed eh? Don't deny it. I bet you've been practicing it constantly. _Listen kid_, _I've got the answers to all your problems here now. The second stage of the Mental Strength Discipline.]_

[Look at these hand seals. They aren't the normal ones, so people won't recognise them. Now just copy me....]

[ Alright, I think you've got it. Now what it does is disconnect, for a few hours, your links in your brain which are attached to concepts like disgust, nausea or boredom. Things like that. You'll be able to flat out ignore those kinds of distraction and stay "interested". That could very well save your life one day. Alright? Now fuck off.]

Kyuubi got back up onto its hindlegs and picked up a white-hot poker and approached the dummy.

Naruto hurriedly left.

* * *

Now _that _was a disturbing encounter.

Kurenai knew things had changed with Neji and Tenten but she hadn't expected that. She didn't even know they were together but from the way Neji had been acting, he'd seemed like he was really close to her. Of course, Neji could have just been presumptuous again. Maito Gai said that occurred a lot.

Walking over to where Lee was salvaging the remains of his lunch, she sat down opposite him and asked what was wrong with Neji, who had slumped into unconsciousness, still hanging onto the counter. Whether it was the booze that had gotten to him or the sheer pain, it was hard to tell. Probably both. Kurenai was curious as to what had sparked that peculiar encounter and Lee appeared to be the best one to ask. Or at least the best one in the room. 'Ask ' was such an ephemeral word however.

Words like 'Fuck?' and 'Piss-wit' were mentioned as were 'Shit-for-brains' and 'What the..'. Kurenai was working herself up into a frenzy over a fellow woman's dilemma. Lee was calmly sitting there, sipping his tea and waited for her to run out of energy. God, he hated drinking tea.

Ignoring the other bar patrons who were also interested in what was going on, Lee began to explain.

Within a few minutes, there were new rumours circulating the village about the supposed sexual deviancy of the three young shinobi. Every citizen of Konoha, ninja and villager alike were chatting away about the latest stories from the rumour-mill. Some denounced the news as an affront to the Leaf's honour while others were asking around if it was possible to get in on the supposed orgies taking place. One naysayer said that it wasn't Hinata would got in on the menage a trois but actually Hiashi. Another gossip spouted off theories on human sacrifice and rubber dildos. This was contended by others who tried to explain about blades and genital mutilation. From here on in, the tabloids got even worse.

* * *

Naruto was having the time of his life. He had left the Kyuubi and re-entered the waking world. He was actually sitting down with Hinata and Tenten at the interior decorator's and was having a frank and serious discussion on the topic of fabric softener and he couldn't care less!

It was brilliant and it took a true evil genius mastermind to think of it.

I could kiss that baka fox!

But that'd be pretty grotty wouldn't it? Best not give the big hairy pervert any ideas.

Hinata, giddy with joy, rushed from one room to another, dragging Tenten with her to compare one colour combination with another. She was seriously thinking of a pale cream colour paint for the walls trimmed in pink. Tenten had other ideas, she considered a nice crystal blue with a light mauve trimming.

Naruto, still under the effects of the Brain Dampening Technique, suggested fiery orange and deep navy blue, just like his jumpsuit.

Hinata and Tenten whirled around and looked at him as if he had grown another head. Hinata's jaw dropped to the floor and Tenten developed a nasty tic above her left eye. Naruto appeared to be totally serious. He was taken aback by the girls' reaction to his statement. For the life of him, he couldn't understand what was so wrong about his house matching his clothes? He said as much.

"What?"

* * *

An orange and blue clad body smashed through the store's front window and landed in the street in a shower of glass, blood and most of the window's frame. Skidding in the dirt and leaving a long furrow, sliding him in the way of an oncoming wagon. The driver was oblivious to the fact that this patch of road was slightly bumpier than the rest and the figure groaned loudly as the oxen walked all over him and grunted in agony as the wagon rolled over his bruises and cuts. Already, his wounds smoked as they began to heal but it still hurt like hell. Naruto spat out some shards of glass and lay still for a moment.

They could have just said "no", he thought. This was really getting lame and despite the urgings of Kyuubi-sensei not to lose control, his eyes narrowed and flared red of their own accord.

Hinata stepped out of the wreckage of the store, Byakugan blazing on her angry face. Tenten leapt out and landed in a crouching position on the other side of the thoroughfare, flanking the irate ninja. She had a kunai sticking between her teeth and in her fists she brandished a handful of shuriken.

"I can't believe you Naruto!", Hinata screamed at him, infuriated at his attempt at trickery," I actually thought you were getting better - and you were using a genjutsu on yourself! You actually had us fooled that you were actually interested! If it was so boring, then why didn't you at least make some pathetic excuse and leave?" She was shaking in anger and looked ready to kill.

All the married men in the vicinity winced. Naruto had brought this on upon himself. Demon fox kid or no, they would (silently) mourn a lost comrade in the battle of the sexes.

Hinata charged, taking him by surprise, hands blurring through the seals and pumping chakra into her feet to increase her speed. Three Hinatas were charging at him from all directions, the Gentle Fist primed and readied.

The married women in the crowd were exulting and loudly cheering on a fellow sister-in-arms. The demon-spawned brat deserved exactly what he got.

Tenten circled around Naruto and slung her payload of shuriken at his back. He dodged easily but she started wrapping kunai in explosive notes.

One Kage-Hinata charged in from the left and delivered a flurry of blows at his head and chest while the other Kage-bunshin ran in from the right. Naruto blocked the attacks but was distracted for a split second and was therefore unprepared for the chakra reinforced knee that slammed up into his 'nads.

Some of the older greybeards started singing a mournful dirge, a testament to Naruto's late testicles. A few young girls were waving and wishing that they could be just like Hinata when they grew up.

Tenten had finished wrapping three kunai and leapt high in the air, even as the central Hinata performed a flying kick, channelling the Hyuuga Ryu through the heel and used his head as a stepping stone to backflip a safe distance away. Tenten, still in midair, threw her explosive barrage into Naruto's back and ignited them.

There was a mighty blast and when the smoke cleared, there was a crater in the middle of the road. Naruto was struggling to rise, shedding the dust that had settled on him. There was an enormous wound in the small of his back which even now the Kyuubi was struggling to heal.

Naruto was incensed and it was obvious. He was struggling to wrest the demon Kyuubi's chakra away from it. Kyuubi had other ideas, it was trying to hang on to it with every tooth and claw in the depths of Naruto's mind, screaming that he'd really regret it if he did something precipitous.

With an animalistic roar of fury, Naruto ripped the chakra away from the demon inside him and shoved it into his muscles, fortifying them and filling him with the power of gods.

In the darkness, Kyuubi groaned.

His clothes burst away from him as he swelled into enormity. He had fully six times the bulk that he had before. Arms and legs the size of tree-trunks, they literally pulsed with barely suppressed energy. Naruto's eyes had darkened to an angry crimson. Claws lengthening and with his teeth sharpening into fangs, he looked like he was about to do something....violent. Very violent.

A guttural snarl later, he banished the debris and smoke using his chakra with only a thought. The effect was like a windstorm but the girls stood their ground resolutely. _They _had yet to show their true strength either. Naruto tensed, looking ready to spring in a whirlwind of fangs and claws.

Tenten looked grimly at Hinata. They shared one last look between them and prepared their ultimate technique. The tension in the air was palpable, the other villagers could feel it too and they fell silent. Today a legend would fall. They looked grimly at the two kunoichi and nodded, man and woman alike.

Hinata looked at Tenten, a single tear rolling down her cheek, the other looked just as sad but they stood firm. Naruto would be hurt and they were anguished, inside, that they had to do this to him but he would be all the much more stronger for it.

Naruto yelled a scream like an animal in pain, an animal that wanted to share its agony and didn't care who it lashed out at.

It was time.

"NARUTO! You're demoted to the couch!", their chakra reinforced voices echoed over Konoha.

FUCKING HELL!

[I told you so, you damned brat]

* * *

Elsewhere, three genin were sitting propped up against a tree.

They were tired, hungry and pissed off. The three had really had it up to _here _with the new jounin sensei.

Konohamaru got up and screamed into the wilderness,

"Where the fuck are you, Naruto!?"


	8. Deceptions

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Here I am again. This one's a little longer than usual but I had some trouble thinking about what and what not to do. Ah well. Don't get used to the special treatment. This happens because of special demand. Well, maybe if you ask nicely.

* * *

TWO DAYS LATER

Sakura dashed through the forest, easily outrunning her team-mates and making it to the clearing before them. She was still miffed that she had to join a bunch of youngsters who hadn't even had their first mission yet but she was studying under Anko! She still couldn't believe it! THE Mitarashi Anko! Why the captain of the hunter-nin was suddenly in charge of a genin team she couldn't fathom but Sakura silently thanked the Fortunes for this second chance.

When she heard some light snoring beneath her, she glanced down and saw three genin lying propped up against the tree. Their clothes looked slept in and they were huddled together for warmth. Two boys and one girl, the single kunoichi was propped up between the two boys.

A look of revulsion appeared on her face. Weren't they Naruto's team?

Sweet mother of fuck!, Sakura thought as she gaped at the implications. Naruto's corrupted more of the youth of the village! They're only twelve for goodness' sake. He had committed a terrible crime here and he would answer for it. Wasn't it bad enough that he had seduced Tenten and Hinata to his evil ways? Didn't he flaunt his bawdiness publicly enough already. The stories that were doing the rounds in the village, of what supposedly involved the three lovers made even Kakashi's hair stand on end. Well, maybe that didn't mean much but you had to admit that he looked pretty shocked.

The rest of her all-female genin team had arrived in the clearing by now, panting in exhaustion. The sprint through the rougher parts of Konoha forest was hard but after the Forest of Death, for Sakura, it was like a lazy picnic afternoon. She gestured at them to be silent and pointed down at the pint-sized reprobates.

The first, a black haired genin who always wore a mask revealing nothing but the eyes was only known as Mayumi. No surname or any record of family, she was probably a ward of the state like Naruto. The second, a white-haired, scrawny looking girl who looked ready to collapse was Soshi Uidori. Uidori glared at Sakura and was her number one rival in genjutsu mastery. Mayumi often turned up in the damnedest places, she was the team's resident stealth expert. Sakura wondered what she brought to the team. _Probably the muscle, _she thought bitterly. It galled her to think that in later missions that she'd have to play the role of the meat tank.

Picking up a large acorn, she cursed the little shitbags for being so much like Naruto and slammed it into the head of a particularly dopey looking boy on the left.

The loud anguished wail woke up the other two genin.

"Itai!", the boy wailed. "It was a trap!"

Sakura sneered. "It wasn't a trap you dumb schmuck. You were caught napping."

A startled gasp behind her made her quickly turn around. Mayumi and Uidori were looking scandalised at her behaviour. Mayumi quickly spoke up,

"Why did you do that? Don't you know who he is?"

"Yeah ", Uidori piped up," He's like the absolutely the _hottest _guy...."

On the ground, the boy looped his scarf around his neck a bit more and preened.

Sakura stared at the two in disbelief. _Idiots, _she thought, _I'm surrounded by idiots._ She gestured to the three below them and made a gagging motion.

"Of course I know who he is", she said testily," he's the cretin who's always following Naruto around..." before Mayumi interrupted.

"Naruto? You know Uzumaki-sama? That's like....sooooooo cool!"

Uidori nodded, excited. "Kawaii! He's so sexy!" was all she said.

Inner Sakura had a heart attack. Outer Sakura didn't look much better. She thought she had a shot at redemption but once again the Fortunes had spat on her once again. On top of everything else, she had a pair of rabid Naruto groupies in her team.

Turning around to face the little perverts once again, she pointed to the leader and spat on the ground. It landed on the girl below, who squawked in indignation. Scrutinising him carefully, she remembered who he was....

"You're the Third Hokage's grandson aren't you? I forget what your name is..."

"UGLY WIDE-FOREHEAD BITCH! I'LL SHOW YOU..." was all he managed before his team mates jumped up and flanked him.

The girl stepped up and stood facing the side with an arm stretched out in front of her.

"Sexiness of an adult, the female ninja from the senior group: Moegi!"

Taking up a position with his arms crossed in front of his face, the second boy, snot flailing from his nose, he declared,

"I like to build model trains: Udon!"

Swirling one of his arms in a circle, the leader struck a heroic pose and made as if to pump the muscle in one of his arms.

"This village's number one tensai ninja: Konohamaru!"

"Together we are the Konohamaru Corps" they chorused, taking up a team pose, sunlight gleaming off their forehead protectors.

Mayumi and Uidori just sighed longingly at Konohamaru.

Sakura wondered if she was dead. Maybe Hinata's punch really had mashed her brain and she was in a coma somewhere. Maybe this was hell. Maybe.

The Konohamaru Corps looked at the ugly-wide-forehead-bitch. She didn't look impressed. They looked at one another and tried another attack. This one _always _succeeded in eliciting some reaction.

"Team Seven soars into the skies above!" Moegi declared while she thrust a kunai into the air.

"To protect you from the dangers of truth and love!", Udon replied, thrusting out his chest with arms akimbo.

"Team Seven blasts off at the speed of light!", Konohamaru laughed as he took up a central position.

"Now all we'll do is prepare to fight! Fight! Fight!" they sang in unison again.

They looked at each other in silence. Sakura had a blank look that was unnerving them. Udon wet his pants. Konohamaru whispered loudly to Moegi,

"Uh, was that all right?"

According to Sakura's point of view, there was no way that she could be hallucinating this. They were a sick piece of work. It had 'Naruto's influence' written all over it. With that she fled the three aberrations, dragging her team with her before they caught stupidity.

* * *

Naruto laughed uproariously as he stepped out from behind a tree. It was a deep belly laugh that made him shake all over. He had to prop himself up with one hand up against a tree to keep from falling down.

"Oyabun! You're late!", Konohamaru shouted at him, pointing an accusing finger. Moegi and Udon nodded as well.

"Hai, hai.....I, er, forgot all about you guys actually. I had to sort out some personal problems. Anyway now that we're here I'm supposed to introduce myself and you to each other but we can skip that crap since we all know each other anyway." He paused for a moment.

"Now I don't know if you're really ready for this you know? So I'm going to propose a little test. Those that fail get sent back to the academy. Great huh? Now follow me to the training grounds." With that he vanished into thin air.

The Konohamaru Corps were speechless. They could be sent back to the academy. They could be utterly humiliated in the eyes of their fans. They had absolutely no idea where Naruto went. Aaaargh!

* * *

Naruto was sitting up against a tree near the memorial, idly leafing through a skin mag when three weary, hungry genin staggered into view.

"Well," he drawled," Things aren't looking good for you are they? You guys must really suck eh? You might as well give up on being Hokage after all." Naruto knew he was going overboard with the goading but he wanted to see how much abuse they could take.

"Here's the test", he began to explain to the angry kids," there are these two bells. The goal is to get the two bells before noon. If you don't get a bell, you don't get lunch. In fact, " he gestured to three posts behind him," I'll tie you to a post and eat your lunch in front of you. If you don't get a bell, you fail."

"You'll also have to come at me with intent to kill, otherwise you have no chance at winning. Now begin."

The three vanished.

* * *

He snickered. Nothing like tradition, he thought. The Third did this to Jiraiya and Jiraiya in turn trained his dad this way and then to Kakashi and then to him. He was just passing the favour along.

Naruto ran through the streets of Konoha, laughing at his own cleverness. Nobody had said that he had to _stay _in the training area. It was getting near lunch time and he wanted to go home and see if he could scrounge up some leftovers. He was still trying to get back on the girls' good side but luckily they would be out for today attending to their own charges.

He let himself in and made himself a nice sandwich and began to eat. Getting up, he got a beer from the fridge when Tenten and Hinata walked into the apartment. They appeared to be surprised that Naruto was home at this time. Naruto flushed.

They were all silent for a while. Then they all began to speak at once.

"Naruto I..."

"Hinata-chan, I'm sorry..."

"We're so very...."

They were silent again. The awkwardness of the moment seemed to be stifling them. Then Naruto began to speak again.

"Hinata-chan, Tenten-chan....I want to apologise for what happened yesterday." He was full of remorse and got onto his knees. "It's just that I'm a simple man and don't know a thing about walls or drapes and things but only pretended because I wanted to be there for you. I made a promise to myself that I'd always be there for you when you needed me, even for the smallest things and even if I couldn't understand what was going on, I pretended to at least be interested...." he trailed off.

* * *

Hyuuga Hinata and Tenten were walking together, having just been by the markets and were planning a "We're sorry for beating the snot out of you" dinner for Naruto. He had accepted his place on the couch without protest but they knew he felt bad about what he did. He sat in silence at meal-times, not trusting himself to speak or look into their eyes. The people who knew and loved him knew he was in pain, regardless of what face he showed to the world.

They rounded the corner of their block when they saw copies of themselves walk into _their _apartment. Angry, at what appeared to be _more _groupies that thought that they could muscle in on _their _man, Hinata prepared to charge in. Tenten, as usual, held up one hand and suggested stealth. Reaching the door of the apartment which was slightly ajar, they could hear all of Naruto's teary confession.

They smirked.

This was getting interesting.

Across the street, on the side of another building, Rock Lee handed a packet of popcorn to Kakashi and Jiraiya who were also perched on the ledge, each with a telescope. Jiraiya was playing around with the controls of a radio. All of the sounds in Naruto's house could be heard through a hidden wire tap.

They smirked.

This was getting interesting.

* * *

"...it's not even all about the sex. It's just like the closeness I can feel in my heart when I'm with you two. The sense of belonging to family. That's what you two are to me: family." Naruto was saying. He was now in tears.

Hinata told him to look up at them.

Tenten said that they forgave him for his sins.

Naruto looked up with love, tears unashamedly shining in his eyes.

Hinata asked him if there was anything that they could do to make it up to him, while unzipping her jacket.

Tenten was already topless and simply smiled at him.

Naruto was ecstatic and pulled off his clothes, throwing them every which way all over the apartment. He started towards the two girls before they exploded into smoke to reveal Konohamaru and Udon. He stopped in shock and then it hit him. He looked behind him and saw Moegi holding the two bells and making a victory sign. The Konohamaru Corps just beamed at him.

"We win!", Konohamaru shouted, leaping for joy," You don't get rid off us that easi - URk!"

Naruto was pissed off and was strangling Konohamaru while Udon looked on in shock. The real Hinata and Tenten decided that was the best time for them to step in.

* * *

The two girls walked into the room and dropped their groceries. They feigned astonishment at the naked Naruto who was strangling a young boy while two other kids were huddling in fear in a corner. Naruto turned to face the door and dropped Konohamaru.

He suddenly realized what a compromising position he was in. Alone in his apartment with three minors and was fully intent on killing them in the nude. He could see how this could look bad.

* * *

Shikamaru and Chouji came up onto the ledge, bearing more snacks and more importantly, a camcorder.

"Are we late?"

"SHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Hinata pretended to frown as she walked up to the suddenly sweating Naruto, while Tenten shooed the scared Team Seven out the door. Inwardly, they were cackling their heads off at the predicament Naruto had gotten himself into this time.

"Hinata-chan, I can explain. It's not what it looks like. I can explain."

She silenced him with a finger pressed to his lips.

Tenten then spoke. "We know, Naruto-kun. We heard everything. We won't make you go through that again. We...we're sorry too. For forcing you. And for reacting so badly. Can you forgive _us _?" She stared into his eyes.

Naruto flushed and whispered quietly, "There's nothing to forgive. I'm sorry."

They all smiled. Everything was alright again.

He quickly closed the distance between him and Hinata and stroked her face with the back of his fingers. Slowly drifting his hand towards the nape of her neck, they stepped into each other and he kissed her slowly, deeply, hands travelling down the curve of her spine. Turning to Tenten, she walked towards her lovers and held them both. She lightly nipped the skin of Naruto's throat and took his head in her hands and kissed him, hard.

They all stepped back and took comfort in the nearness of each other.

No words need be said.

They then walked slowly in the bedroom holding hands.

* * *

The men clustered on the edge of the building, jumped to their feet.

"Quick! To the bedroom view!"

They jostled each other for the best position while Shikamaru tried to get everything in his camcorder.

* * *

Naruto, Hinata and Tenten sat on their bed. They simply sat there, holding each other, caressing each other until the girls broke off. Naruto simply sat there, watching them ever-so-slowly disrobe in front of him. He always loved this part.

He watched in anticipatory silence as Tenten unbuttoned her pink silk sleeveless jacket. She always bound her large breasts tight against her body and he loved to watch them bounce free as she took of her bra. Hinata's were only slightly smaller but seemed to defy gravity. Naruto always loved to cup one in one hand while gently nibbled on the other.

They got up and stood with their pelvises only inches away from his face before they slowly pulled down their pants and underwear. He yearned to lick and suck at their clefts but reined himself in. Naruto knew exactly what they preferred him to do. He would heighten the anticipation, he stuck his hands behind his back.

The two girls, reclined on the pillows, the sunlight shining down on their nude expanses. His eyes traced the contours of their bodies as they lay half-intertwined as they waited for him to join them. These two were no _shukujo_, no courtly ladies or courtiers. They were battle-hardened shinobi. That made it all the more exciting, every battle-scar, every old wound site, called out to him like a moth to the flame. If anything, they accentuated their beauty. Hinata had draped her head back to kiss Tenten's shoulder while Tenten licked her lips provocatively at him. He got on all fours, slowly stalking towards them, running his hands over their legs, his mouth over their flanks as he neared towards them. They shivered in pleasure as his rapidly darting tongue lightly probed their nooks and crannies, their deep depressions, his hands deftly but gently caressing them until he became face to face with the two loves of his life. Reaching over to the window, he pulled the newly installed curtains shut.

* * *

Five men snorted in disgust.

"AAAAAWWWWWWWWWW"


	9. Good news and Bad news

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I apologise in advance for the shittiness of this chapter. I'm laying down pipe for the next few chapters. Don't get bored and run away now. It's finally getting interesting. As a side note: No I am not on crack. I have never taken any stimulant in my life, unless you count a bottle of Coke a stimulant. I am naturally this twisted but that doe not mean "I suck as a person". Are we clear?

* * *

Five men snorted in disgust.

"AAAAWWWWWWW"

Five men packed up and left, complaining about the lost opportunity. That blonde moron always seemed to wangle his way in and out of things. Jiraiya suggested that they go peek in the women's bath. Four men agreed.

One man didn't leave. One man didn't complain about lost opportunity. One man didn't go away and peek in at the women's bath. He sat there in in a room drenched in darkness, illuminated only by the host of television sets which even now were broadcasting images of Naruto's house from hidden cameras.

One man sat in his chair, watching the live feed from Naruto's bedroom.

In his arms, he held a small white dog which he lovingly stroked.

"Everything is going according to plan, Mr. Bigglesworth."

'Mr Bigglesworth' barked.

"Sorry Akamaru."

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA....."

Kiba was going to make a killing, selling these tapes to interested buyers. He was getting a hard-on just thinking about it.

* * *

Naruto was thinking as well. He had a hard-on as well.

He was thinking that making up after an argument was very pleasant. Very pleasing. Very _pleasurable_.

He had gathered both girls beneath him and enjoying the sensation of their sleek writhing bodies beneath him. Cupping one of Hinata's perky breasts in one hand, licking and nibbling the nub of her nipple and exploring Tenten's deliciously wet folds with the other. Tenten was taking his hand in hers and gently guiding his fingers up her vagina. With one leg pressed up against the inside of his, Hinata was stroking his penis, running her sharp nails, up the underside of his throbbing manhood. Naruto's eyes fluttered in agony then blacked out.

* * *

The first thing he noticed was that it was freezing. No longer was he making love to two gorgeous members of the opposite sex but was standing starkers on a mountain peak. Kyuubi was hovering there in a meditative position, eyes closed but mercifully wearing a loincloth.

Send me back! Send me back, damn it!

The Kyuubi simply ignored his ranting and started to chant a mantra. It's melodic voice sounded like a choir of angels being bent over and sodomised by toilet brushes.

[Omm...mani...padme....Omm....mani...padme...Omm...]

It was beginning to snow.

Kuso! Send me back right now you sick, twisted, pathetic excuse for a shit-eating ferret!

Naruto was getting red in the face and looked ready to burst an important blood vessel.

[Not liking it are ya gaki? Now do you know how it feels to be interrupted when you're in the middle of doing something private, eh kid? Not a nice feeling is it? It's really embarrassing isn't it?]

Yes, yes...it's really bad. Now can I go back and continue what I was doing?

Naruto was on his knees now, clasping his hands together and begging piteously.

[Is it agonising? Is it torture? Is the pain excruciating? Is it like a thousand needles in your heart?]

Oui.

[Carre mia!]

Mon chere.

[What?]

What?

[ah...Right. Sorry about that, got carried away. Psychic overload and all that. Carried you along with it. Got to keep on track. Got to keep focus. That's what we're going to talk about today. The third and final step of the basic training, we're going to finish that today before we get to the hard stuff. Ignoring physical damage and telling your body to keep doing what it has to when you want it to is very, very difficult. Convincing your organs to keep going or to convince your brain that everything is still fine requires an enormous amount of both willpower and belief.

Belief is powerful kid. Sheer belief can change the face of reality. And she really hates it when that happens. She will come over to you and belt you one if she catches you at it. Think about it, haven't _you ever heard the saying "if you believe in yourself you can do it". Well trust me, it's a fact. Now watch me...these are the seals to get Reality to look away. Watch carefully, there's a lot of them...]_

_

* * *

_

The days and nights sped by there on that lonely mountaintop. Naruto practiced the seals and trained his chakra but still it wasn't enough. The Great Demon Fox, Kyuubi, insisted that learn to draw upon the power without assistance. Apparently, Reality was a snot-nosed little bitch and tended to crack down really hard on even first-time offenders. She was, according to Kyuubi, to be like Ebisu except she didn't like perverts. That was supposed to be the reason why perverts seldom if ever, had girlfriends. The demon seemed particularly irate about that.

[Now I think you've got it...Shit it's been three years! Your muscles have most likely gone to sleep by now. Get outta here! And remember! Don't tell anyone about it. You won't like the consequences!]

Naruto jerked.

* * *

Naruto woke up to find Tenten and Hinata looking down at him. He glanced around him. He was in hospital.

Damn!

Tenten looked worried. Hinata was holding his hand and crying softly.

"You've been in a coma for a week, Naruto-kun. We've been so worried about you." Tenten looked like she was about ready to break down as well.

He looked around blearily, eyes getting used to the light.

"What happened?"

"That's what I'd like to know as well, Naruto", Tsunade said as she came into the room.

"Kyuubi..." was all he could force out before he collapsed again in contented sleep.

Both girls stared at Naruto in blank incomprehension then turned to the Fifth Hokage for answers. Tsunade didn't have any answers. All she had was a worried frown on her face as she considered the sleeping form of Naruto.

The girls were looking at him as well, the one who held their hearts in his hands lay sleeping.

Be strong Naruto-kun. Only you can vanquish whatever troubles you, Hinata thought.

Be brave my love. Only you can face your own demons, thought Tenten.

* * *

It had been two weeks since he had been released from hospital. He still felt a little stiff, but feeling absolutely charged up and raring to go. The chakra boost he received from training with the Kyuubi really hit the spot. Here he was in the forest with his team of genin. They had settled into an uneasy truce. They didn't mess around with his personal life and in return he didn't try to kill them.

Konohamaru had been complaining again about the lack of excitement in their missions lately and Naruto was inclined to agree. It had been one long string of D-rank missions. He swore that if the daimyo's wife's cat ever had to be rescued again he would personally hunt it down, roast it and feed it to Chouji. The Konohamaru Corps were inclined to agree. That was until the C-rank they received a few days ago. The mission was to flush out a den of bandits and Naruto nearly had to intervene before the Corps managed to kill the brigands. The thought of twelve-year olds killing made him sad but they were ninja. They were tools. Better that they learn that now rather than later.

That last battle had left them shaken and afraid. The leader had proved to be a tough one and they had barely escaped with their lives if it weren't for Naruto stepping in. Konohamaru wasn't complaining anymore. His students were now throwing themselves into their training with renewed vigour so that they'd never be in that position again.

Already skilled at ninjutsu and diversion techniques (Hell, they fooled _him _with his own Sexy-no-jutsu), Naruto had them working on their chakra stamina and taijutsu. That would pay dividends when missions went wrong.

He brooded for a while but then brightened up. Tenten was returning to the village tonight. She had been away all week, on a rescue mission with her team. Their objective apparently was to retrieve one of the Hokage's moles who had just been uncovered. Naruto wasn't supposed to know that, but he still took the effort to find out everything that could possibly put his loved ones in danger. He couldn't stop them from endangering themselves. They were ninja and there was no getting around it. He still worried though.

Naruto was snapped out of his reverie by a tugging on his trench-coat. Moegi had crawled up to him and was begging for a break-period. He looked over to where Udon and Konohamaru were lying on the ground, absolutely exhausted. It was the same as Kakashi's training of their chakra all those years ago in that forest over in Wave country, but Naruto added his own vicious twist. He made them all wear weighted body suits all the time and occasionally he would throw a kunai at them, just to keep them motivated. Perhaps he was being a harsh taskmaster but their strength had improved tenfold over what they had before the genin exam. They could be proud of that.

Signaling for a break, he let them refresh themselves with water and with a quick glance at the noonday sun, let them have breakfast as well. He was still a big softie at heart.

* * *

Yamanaka Ino had just returned from a harrowing experience in Stone Country, acting as a spy in the secretarial offices of the Tsuchikage. It was a minor role but one she played to perfection until the turnover of a new Kage meant that there was a review conducted on all the employees' files. Tenten's team had barely managed to infiltrate the village and extract her without causing an international incident. She was looking forward to going home, taking a well-deserved hot bath and finding out the news and events of the village since she left. It had been a long two years and had generously received a hefty bonus and two months vacation time, barring emergencies.

She started to walk to the Yamanaka flower shop before thinking, _it's been so long since I've seen any of my friends...I'll pop by Shikamaru's and see if we can't dig up Chouji as well. _She smiled. Maybe with a little wheedling, she'd find out about some of the juicy gossip she had missed out on for two years.

* * *

The door to the Nara residence was open and there was some shouting within. It sounded like a party was going on. This sounded interesting, there were a lot of men's voices, a lot of whooping and cheering. Maybe she'd better sneak in and have a look. What she saw, made her go white. Jiraiya, Kakashi, Rock Lee, Shikamaru and his father Shikato, Chouji and Chomaru, _her own _father and even Sasuke were clustered around a television set watching a movie. They were clutching beers in their hands and whooping in an orgy of male testosterone. Whatever it was they were really excited.

They were too caught up in their own celebration to notice Ino sneaking in for a closer look at exactly what they were watching. It was a porno. And Tenten was on the screen!

What the hell was going on?

Tenten was moaning loudly on screen as she rode whoever it was she was riding, hard, his arms reaching from off the screen to cradle her buttocks. Then another girl came up from behind her and began to massage her breasts, kissing at the base of her neck and working her way around. When the second woman turned her head around, she saw that it was Hinata!

Hyuuga Hinata!?

Hinata and Tenten were porn actresses? And even her beloved Sasuke was a pervert as well? Jiraiya and Kakashi she could understand, but Sasuke? What in the name of sweet mother of fuck was going on?

Things had changed a _lot _in the two years that she hadn't been here.

She silently crept out of the house and went looking for Tenten. There were a few questions that needed asking.


	10. Rage

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I guess it could be worse really because it's hard to tell what kind of fic this is. Is it a humour fic with romatic moments or is it a romantic fic with funny bits. Hard to tell really. Perhaps I need to see a shrink and have some issues sorted out.

* * *

Hyuuga Hiashi sat down to his morning breakfast with his favourite daughter, Hanabi. She had graduated at the top of her class as was befitting a Hyuuga of her rank. He allowed himself a small smile at the thought of this. He even allowed his daughter see the slight upturning of his lip.

She was most gratified at her father's pleasure and resolved to study even harder under Kurenai-sensei. Hanabi took pleasure in upholding the proud traditions of Clan Hyuuga.

" Father...may I ask you a question?", she asked respectfully.

As the ruling patriarch of Clan Hyuuga, and as a member of the ruling house it was expected that she should maintain proper etiquette and protocol at all times. She was not like her older sister, Hinata, to go gallivanting with any old common street trash to bat an eye at her. She was Hyuuga Hanabi of the Honourable and Esteemed House of Hyuuga. She was better than that.

Nevertheless, she had heard some interesting news from her team-mates and waited for her father's permission to continue. Hiashi finished drinking his tea and waved his assent.

"What's a dick?" She looked curious.

Hyuuga Hiashi nearly snorted his tea all over the table but managed to swallow. Where had that question come from? She was too young to be asking about that kind of thing. He had been dreading this moment for a long time....it was time to administer the Talk.

"Well, my child...when boys and girls grow up and love each other very much..."

Hanabi interrupted, "Father, I know all this already. Mother explained this to me. It's just that Kurenai-sensei called you a "dick". I wanted to know what she meant."

That was only marginally better. At least he didn't have to embarrass himself with explaining the mechanics of ..well, the Talk.

"What exactly did your sensei say, Hanabi?" he queried. Hiashi wasn't quite sure he wanted to know but insults to his august person were insults to the clan, and that could not be tolerated.

"She said that you must be a real dick to not even care that Hinata stars in a porno video. What's a porno?"

This time he did lose his cool.

"_What _kind of videos?"

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke had opened up a lot since Itachi's death. He tried to realx and enjoy life more, or at least more than he had before. He was surprised to learn that there were people that liked him, people who didn't care about his strength or his nearly extinct clan. He frowned over thoughts of his clan. He had to do something about that. Why did Naruto get all the girls? What the hell did that baka do to get the attention of the most interesting or attractive girls in their class? Sakura was so clingy and annoying. She was still a genin for the gods' sake. Ino was out of the question. She was pretty much identical to Sakura except she actually had more skill. He was fairly certain that Shikamaru was carrying a torch for her so he didn't want to consider her except as a last resort. It was really depressing, so he tried to drown himself in his work.

Sasuke was only listening to what Chouji and Shikamaru were talking about. Something about some latest Peeping Dog Studios video. Chouji was excitedly waving his arms in the air, and spewing crumbs all over the place. Shikamaru absently, wiped some food debris off his jounin jacket and smirked at the recounting of this latest video. He wondered if Naruto knew he was being filmed. Probably not he sniggered, Tenten and Hinata would probably throw a fit if they knew. Naruto would probably demolish a fair portion of the city before he calmed down.

Whoever "Peeping Dog" was, they had some real balls to try something like that but they were making tons of money out of it. It seemed that Konoha was just ripe for an expansion in the porn industry. Already competitors had sprung up, but they felt so fake. Either Naruto's girlfriends didn't know they were being filmed, they didn't care or they didn't know.

* * *

Hyuuga Neji was feeling exultant. He had been summoned to Hiashi-sama's presence in order to discuss his wayward daughter. At last he would be allowed permission to exact retribution for his humiliation and possibly win over Tenten as well. Having a two foot blade rammed through your hand didn't bode well for the possibility of future romance with her but at least Naruto would be out of the picture. They would have a certain accident soon and the blot of shame on the Hyuuga name would be removed. This Peeping Dog character would have to be exposed and eliminated as well. Hiashi-sama had also graciously allowed him access to the full might of Clan Hyuuga in this endeavour as long as the Hokage didn't hear about it. The mission had to be handled carefully or he himself would be eliminated. Neji didn't care, all he cared about was avenging his pride.

* * *

Sasuke was trying not to breathe.

Tenten had him backed up against the wall and was firmly pressing a kunai to his throat. He'd slit his own throat with one sneeze. Sasuke didn't dare make a move to grab the blade because the other kunai was pressed firmly against his crotch.

Sasuke realised that he didn't have all the things he wanted out of life.

He didn't have a girlfriend.

He hadn't surpassed Naruto.

But that was alright. All he wanted right now was the sharp blade removed from the vicinity of his family jewels.

Chouji was unconscious on the floor and Shikamaru wasn't having much luck either. Hinata had him on the ground and was twisting his arms around his back. She had already broken one of his legs to get his attention. Now she was about to pop his arms out of their sockets.

"Where did you get the videos, you pervert?" Hinata grated. She sounded like she was ready to kill someone and wasn't too picky. "Tell me!"

Shikamaru managed an answer before he passed out from the pain.

Hinata released him, then kicked him in the stomach for good measure before turning to Tenten and gesturing for her to let him down.

Sasuke immediately checked his throat and groin to see if everything was where it should be. He sighed in relief, watching the two kunoichi leave the bar. He cringed as if a thought had just occurred to him. He rushed out onto the street and ran as fast he could back home and locked himself in the cellar. There would be terrible bloodshed tonight. He was sure of it.

* * *

Hinata crept silently through Konoha's back alleys and streets while Tenten leapt from rooftop to rooftop. They had a destination in mind and geared themselves up for battle. Heaven help the poor sod who had been filming their nightly exploits.

Arriving about a block away from their destination, Hinata took out her lockpicks and crept silently around to the back door while Tenten looked around for an upstairs entrance.

* * *

Kiba was busy putting the clips from the last few nights together. It was going to be a final special edition. He knew the money wouldn't last. He had to get out of the business before the Hokage stepped in and put an end to it. It was a pity the Third wasn't still around. He would have been one of my best customers. He sighed then swiftly looked around. The door just creaked.

It was nothing. He relaxed.

* * *

Tenten burst through the glass skylight in a shower of glass, hurling kunai and shuriken at the figure at the console. Flying metal thudded into the figure, pinning its arms to the table before it even as Hinata kicked the back door in and rushed into the room.

Quickly assessing the situation, Hinata reached the figure and turned to look at it.

It was a dummy. Pinned to it was a note.

Too bad. You just missed me. The Peeping Dog.

* * *

Kiba laughed and laughed and laughed.

He didn't like hurting Hinata like this but the feel of all that lovely money did assuage him a little bit. What she didn't know won't hurt her. He finished the tape and put it into an envelope, ready to send off.

Perhaps it wasn't so bad. If nobody knew, then nobody got hurt. Well, he didn't get hurt. That was the important thing.

* * *

Naruto at that very moment was training the Konohamaru Corps. He was running them through an obstacle course of his very own design. The fact that it consisted of a mine field interspersed with other traps that tried to ensnare the unwary of fling them around only added to the danger. It was very similar to something he and Konohamaru had gone through so many years before. Without the hordes of killer androids, of course. What made this one so special was that, he had doubled the weight of their training suits. Luckily, they doubled up as body armour and he had a team of medic-nin on hand.

He knew he was being especially vicious but he didn't care. Konohamaru still tried to bull his way through obstacles and quickly learned that this wasn't the best way to do things. Moegi at least attempted to think her way around a problem but wasn't having much luck at defusing the mine or disabling the traps. Udon, surprisingly enough, took the subtle ninja approach. He let everyone else do the work and followed behind.

Naruto grimaced. He was going to have to do something about that.

With a sigh, he realised that the team-building exercise was pointless and signalled the end of the day. After telling everyone else to go home, he sat down and thought about the next training session.

* * *

Neji leapt from the treetops, hand outstretched. If he could reach him with the _jyuken _before he reacted, he'd be dead. The chakra pathways in his brain would be scrambled beyond recognition.

Smiling in exultation, Neji's hand closed around the back of Naruto's skull and chakra-slashed through his brain. To his surprise, "Naruto" exploded in a cloud of smoke. Damn! A kage-bunshin.

His divination field barely alerted him to the incoming fist that was coming infrom behind and dodged out of the way.

"What the fuck are you trying to do Neji?", Naruto yelled at him, " Kill me?"

Neji smirked but didn't waste time talking to him. Naruto had a distressing habit of figuring a way out of danger if given time to think. He surged towards him again and launched a flurry of blows, aiming for his tenketsus.

Naruto tried his best to block the strikes but felt his chakra gradually leave his arms. He leapt back and forced his tenketsus open and quickly went through the seals for the Mental Strength technique. He knew that this battle was coming and expected more Hyuuga to be appearing from the trees.

He wasn't disappointed. Good old Neji. Always doing the smart thing and getting back up. Pity that it wouldn't help.

Great. Twelve ninja. Thirteen fully trained Hyuuga, fully armoured and armed to the teeth.

"TAIJUU KAGE BUNSHIN NO JUTSU!"

That was better. Twenty to one odds should do it. The multitude of Narutos rushed in en masse. They didn't make a sound as they engaged the Hyuuga ninja in perfect synchronicity. The Hyuuga were silent as they readied themselves for the onslaught. Fist met with fist, punches and kicks were countered and riposted in a blur of bodies moving faster than the normal eye could see. This was a battle of shinobi, assassins at their prime. They moved with a lethal style and grace that befitted the very elite.

Naruto and Neji stood amidst the chaos in a relative sea of calm. By keeping the battle hemmed in at close quarters, it was too dangerous for the Hyuuga to use the Heavenly Spin for fear of striking his own allies. They had to resort to close-combat techniques. Luckily, this was a house specialty.

It was Naruto's specialty as well. His style was unformed and awkward. But he went all-out. With tooth, nail and claw, he tore into his foes, not really caring about the toll he was taking on his body. He didn't even feel it. Kyuubi's training was kicking in. Over two hundred Narutos gathered chakra in their hands. Over two hundred Rasengans formed within their hands.

Neji struck out with a sweep to the back of Naruto's knees and followed up by stepping up close and rapidly stabbed into Naruto's organs. Smashing an elbow into the momentarily stunned blonde ninja's face, he slashed at Naruto's throat opening up a ragged hole then with the other hand, slapped an explosive note onto the front of his jacket.

Yelling at the others to immediately disengage, he activated the note as soon as everyone cleared. The shock from the explosion released the shadow clones and threw Naruto into a large oak tree, leaving a flattened crater at the forceful impact.

Over two hundred shadow clones vanished into clouds of smoke.

Over two hundred Rasengans didn't.

They just kept going in the directions in which they had been aimed.

Oops.

The effect was similar to over two hundred horizontal cyclones inundating the area in which the battle was being waged. It was too close to avoid. There wasn't enough time to jump away. Trees and rocks alike were flattened and torn or blasted into oblivion as the spiralling bullets of chakra continued. The lucky few who managed to initiate the Kaiten, did so but were still overwhelmed by the thunderous attack. Those not so lucky were shredded and torn like paper dolls and thrown around by Naruto's unfocused fury. Barely alive, they hit the ground at oddly bent angles. For Neji and a few others, things were considerably better, but even they were unable to fight any longer.

Kaiten relied upon the user to whirl around in a circle, deflecting incoming attacks with a shield of moving chakra. The Rasengan was a highly concentrated charge of _spinning _chakra which corkscrewed into the hapless opponent. They managed to deflect a great deal of impact but the sheer volume of energy still sent them flying. They wouldn't be getting up for a while.

Naruto simply stood there, wobbling on his last legs. He was sucking in air through a new hole with great ragged breaths. His organs felt as if they were about to burst from internal pressure. The upper part of his torso had been torn away from the explosive note, revealing shattered ribs and bleeding organs and his arms hung uselessly at his side.

He was very pissed off and was quickly running out of chakra.

He could feel something going on and glanced down at the odd sensation around his stomach. What he saw, chilled him to the very bone before passing out.

The Kyuubi's seal was unravelling.

* * *

Ha! Suck on that! NOW things are getting interesting.......


	11. The Next World

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Sorry this is so late. I'm finished with the pipe dropping. This is it. I was actually late this time because, last night was a D&D marathon and I was DMing. Tough stuff. I believe we stopped at about 1 in the morning. God, I need some sleep.

* * *

The runic arcane symbols on Naruto's stomach dissolved into a fine black mist, to Neji's astonished eyes. _What was happening? _Naruto's body went into convulsions as raw, evil chakra exploded out from his body. Neji was certain that Uzumaki was unconscious but even in that state he was _still _generating chakra? That was impossible.

This couldn't be happening.

The black mist rising out of his rival's body quickly turned red as it gathered in a cloud above the fallen ninja, tendrils of energy still reaching into the body below. Gradually the cloud of red chakra took shape and several of the older Hyuuga, those that were still conscious gasped.

Neji looked around, his clan members' faces looking like they had destroyed the world. They probably had. Their abject terror was starting to puncture his veneer of confidence.

The silhouette of a immense canine head formed out of the mists, a cavernous maw filled with razor-sharp fangs and possessed of two burning pits of evil for eyes. He started in astonishment. It was solid. Whatever was coming out of Naruto's body was solid!

A sharp acrid stench filled his nostrils, a couple of the older Hyuuga, full grown adult shinobi had actually soiled themselves in horror at the sight. The smell of faeces coupled with the musky scent of fear wasn't an attractive combination.

Then it dawned on him, what he was seeing.

But that was impossible. That was just a bedtime story to frighten young children into obedience. Wasn't it?

This couldn't be happening.

The Kyuubi was back.

* * *

The immense palpable evil washed over Konoha. Every inhabitant of the village stopped what they were doing and shivered as primal fear flicked a long dormant switch in their brains.

Every adult and elder had felt that evil before. The Kyuubi was back. And it was pissed.

Every child stopped their games and stared in awe at the wave of palpable dread that initiated the rebirth of the Great Demon.

Every crying infant stopped their bawling and became deathly silent. In their hearts, the knew. Death was coming to greet them.

The two remaining Legendary Sen-nin, looked up, faces frozen in a rictus of pain and grief. The Kyuubi had been released and the Terror of Konoha had come for vengeance.

* * *

The Kyuubi howled in victory. As the moments passed, it could feel the constraints of the seal gradually break away. The last vestiges of its earthly prison disintegrated away as the Kyuubi forced itself deeper and deeper into the World of the Living. With a tightening of its newly formed muscles, it prepared to make the final push and free itself, now and forever.

It launched itself into the air but was held fast. The Kyuubi roared in fury and strained harder to free itself of the last connection to its former prison. Most of it was free and fully formed and thrashing to get free.

Yet try as it might, it couldn't get free. One errant string, a single hair of chakra bound it to the remains of Naruto's cold unbeating heart.

Neji looked on in shock, sheer wonder piercing through his terror, that the Kyuubi was still bound to Naruto's cold corpse.

But that was impossible.

The Kyuubi looked down in terror at the single mote of chakra that held it in place. It could feel the tendril of energy tangle itself around the Kyuubi's leg like a vine. The assembled Hyuuga looked astonished. Uzumaki Naruto is still alive.

Is that...Naruto? Incredible...

Despite the incredible level of damage inflicted upon him, despite all overwhelming odds, despite the fact that his endless supply of chakra was leaving him, despite the fact that he was _unconscious _and most likely _dead, _Naruto still fought.

Naruto's eyes flipped open. Where his eyes used to be, two intensely glowing suns burned. The edges of his eyelids and lashes blackened and charred as if exposed to intense heat. It hurt to look directly into that pitiless, azure stare and they looked away.

The body of Uzumaki Naruto jerked into the air, hovering ten feet of the ground and convulsing like an insane, possessed puppet. A trail of white-hot blue lines snaked their way across his belly, inscribing the Demon Seal into his navel and abdomen. The same white-hot azure fire that burned in his eyes burst out from the canyons left by the burning of the seal, reaching upwards and engulfing the Kyuubi in a funeral pyre.

Kyuubi screamed in agony as it was drenched in Naruto's burning chakra. The blue tendril constricted around the demon's leg and started pulling it towards Naruto's body. Immense claws the size of men scrabbled for purchase but it was useless. Great furrows were dug into the earth and trees centuries old were reduced to fallen wrecks as the Kyuubi was inexorably drawn to its gaol, but it was futile. Resistance was futile. The solid form of the demon became spirit as its essence again as it was sucked through the swirling vortex. With a last cry of defiance, it grasped the edges of Naruto's body with its teeth and claws, willing that even if it was sent to the pits of hell, it would take it's host with it.

A large shearing sound echoed throughout the forest of Konoha as the portal to the underworld turned in on itself, pulling Naruto into the ethereal breach before disappearing with a pop.

All around the was devastation. Blackened upturned soil and trees rent into piles of ragged kindling were all that were left in this patch of land. It was as if all life, save them had, been sucked through the portal in its last death throes.

* * *

"What the hell happened?"

Hyuuga Hiashi tried to explain the circumstances but was cut off by the furious Hokage. He visibly sweated, having two of the Legendary Three angry at you was conducive to leading a long or healthy life.

"You mean to tell me that in order to appease your own pride and honour in the 'family name' you sicced your own nephew onto your own daughter. Internal clan matter my ass! Not when it concerns the safety of the Leaf! Everybody old enough to remember the first time the Kyuubi attacked should realise the dangers if Naruto is stressed enough to break the seal." she ranted, breathing through her nose heavily. Tsunade grabbed a bottle of sake and downed it one long swallow before motioning for Jiraiya to get a word in.

Jiraiya, the Great Frog-Hermit, usually looked cheerful or in lust. He exuded an air of playful mischievousness that helped him get a long with everyone. He was more like the embarrassing uncle everybody wished they didn't have. He wasn't cheerful now. Face looking like it was hewn from a slab of rock, he didn't look big and playful now. He just looked big. And menacing. He didn't rant. He spoke calmly with an aura of inevitable danger, similar to the feeling one gets before a thousand tonnes of rock falls on you.

"Naruto isn't the Kyuubi. He is the keeper of the seal. That seal is kept in check pretty much only through sheer willpower. Lucky for us, Naruto is the most pigheaded and stubborn little brat I have ever met. But it isn't infinite. If what young Neji says is accurate, we came to within a cunt hair of utter annihilation."

Hiashi didn't mind the foul language used by Jiraiya. He was somewhat more concerned with the fist that Jiraiya was showing him. It was a very _large _fist. And it got his attention.

"Now, I've got a plan....."

Hiashi shivered.

* * *

Hyuuga Neji was surrounded by both former comrades and ex-teachers alike. They didn't look very happy with him. Kurenai, Gai, Kakashi and Asuma were forcibly trying their utmost to restrain Hinata and Tenten. It was proving harder than they had anticipated. Whatever training Naruto had put them through, it really worked well. Tired of Tenten's screaming epithets for the last two hours, Maito Gai, wincing slightly from a headache was forced to gag her. He was somewhat proud that any old student of his possessed such youthful fire but frankly, this amount of boundless enthusiasm disturbed him.

Tenten had interesting plans for various parts of Neji's anatomy. Many of them involved surgical removal. With a spoon.

Hinata had gone berserk, frothing at the mouth. She possessed a raw animal fury which shocked the hell out of those present. _This was shy, timid Hinata? _Yuuhi Kurenai and Hatake Kakashi had to enlist the aid of some of the younger chuunins to pin her motionless to the ground. Her chakra-enhanced strength astonished them, so much so that Chouji was forced to sit on her to hold her in place.

They couldn't risk Hinata getting loose before Neji could explain himself. Neji had a lot of explaining to do. Maybe after he explained himself.

* * *

The revelations that Neji revealed shocked them. It had scandalised most of the assembled shinobi that the rumours circulating the village were actually true. For the most part.

Except for the part with Hiashi joining in. That was just mixed up.

And the ideas about sacrificng children to demons was a complete fabrication.

The charges of animal carnality was a tissue of lies.

So mostly true. When the female ninja heard about the porno videos, they gagged, furious that one of their own shinobi would perpetrate such a thing. The Peeping Dog would die! Kiba looked nonchalant and hoped nobody would suspect him.

When he got to the part about Naruto's 'accident' Iruka and Kakashi looked murderous. It was at this point that Neji broke down. He knew that he had lost all hope of _ever _getting together with Tenten or reconciling with his cousin. He confessed tearily, to the attempted assassination and how Naruto barely held in the demon before being sucked through the portal to who knows where.

Neji was sorrier than anyone could imagine. He knew that he could never be absolved of his guilt and calmly awaited his execution. He knew in his heart of hearts that not even death could wash away his sins.

Iruka looked more than ready to fulfil the order but as he stepped forward, kunai in hand, Hinata broke free of Chouji, sending him crashing into Gai who in turn broke his grip on Tenten.

Neji watched in slow motion, as the loped towards him, everyone else too startled by their ferocity to react quick enough. This was it. Sweet oblivion awaited him. He looked on calmly and waited for the finishing blow as he knelt there on the ground.

Five paces away. He thought about his father's words regarding destiny. He had thought it an unchanging path which caged him like a bird.

Four paces away. He thought about his first chuunin exam where Naruto had painfully taught him the error of his ways. By beating seven kinds of shit out of him, no less.

Three paces away. He thought of his battle with that lackey of Orochimaru, that spider-freak. He laughed bitterly.

Two paces away. He thought of his last battle with Naruto. Even in his death throes, he fought to keep Konoha safe. That was true honour.

One pace away. He readied his soul for passage into the next world. _I'm sorry Tenten. I'm sorry Hinata._

Suddenly a large figure blurred in front of him, snatched up Hinata and Tenten and slammed them into the ground with a resounding crash. Neji started and looked up at the towering form of Jiraiya in surprise.

"Ohayo, mina-san!", Jiraiya looked homocidal but there was a twinkle in his eyes that wasn't there before, " We can kick the crap out of this poor bastard later. For now we need him."

The assembled ninja looked at him blankly.

"Naruto is alive and I know how to bring him back."

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto could feel a foot prodding him in the ribs. He groaned and opened his eyes. He sat up in shock. His wounds were gone! His clothing was still just as shredded as before and the seal was in place. He could feel the Kyuubi's snarls of rage echo through the depths of his mind.

This couldn't be real. The strange surroundings were from some demented artist's dreams. He stood upon a long walkway, nestled among golden yellow clouds. There was no sun in the sky yet the sky was pink and lit up bright like the day. The pathway looked weird. Wisps of cloud flew past him, chattering away to themselves and each other.

Talking clouds? Pink sky?

He must still be in Konoha hospital. It was obvious he was sleeping and he was too hopped up on morphine to even dream straight.

"Ahem"

It wasn't so much a clearing of the throat but so much a sound made to register the presence of a throat.

Naruto looked up and rubbed at his eyes. There was no way that he could be dreaming _this._

There was a clerk standing above him. He was wearing grey trousers and a professional-looking white shirt and was holding a clipboard from which he was apparently marking things off.

And he was blue. And had horns.

Naruto stared at the horns. He really _stared _at the horns.

This was one really weird-ass dream.


	12. Dragged Along For the Ride

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. DBZ? Moi? I really don't know what you're talking about. By the way, IF any of the characters or settings resembles something from DBZ it's just a pure coincidence or I don't own them either. You know what? I haven't seen many Naruto crossovers that are any good. Any recommendations? I just might write one myself.

* * *

Naruto wearily rubbed the bridge of his nose. This was one really vivid, weird-ass hallucination. The blue-skinned clerk had a nasal, whiny voice that scraped on his ears like nails on a blackboard. He never expected Hell to be _pink. _Come to think of it, Hinata had a certain fetish for pink and yellow decor.

Maybe this is hell after all.

"So let me get this straight. This is like a big terminal where the souls of the dead go to receive their passports to wherever they are meant to go, depending if they were good or bad while they were alive.", Naruto managed.

"Right....Now could you please get...", the demonic clerk began beofre he was rudely interrupted.

"And all these talking puffs of fart are the souls of the dead without any bodies? They just trot on to this 'Lord Emma-O' to be sorted, right?"

"Hai, that's correct...now please get back in....". The clerk was starting to get agitated.

"He's the boss of this place huh? And _everybody _who dies get sent to this place?", Naruto stopped and looked at the now purple official," What's your problem?"

"Get Back In Line!"

"No!". With that, Naruto gave the official a rough shove that sent it careening off the edge and into the clouds below.

His mood brightening, he went off in search of this Emma-O for some answers like where the hell was he and how the hell would he get back.

* * *

Tsunade groaned. What Jiraiya was proposing was utterly insane and they had no idea whether or not, it wouldn't kill them, let alone work. They also couldn't afford to divert too much attention to searching for Naruto. Not that many people were willing to overlook the whole "demon-fox" debacle.

Off hand, Tenten and Hinata would volunteer of course. Jiraiya would insist on going and she couldn't wait to get rid of the horny bugger. He just wouldn't let up. Finally she'd have some time to catch up on her sleep. Maybe he'd die on the mission. Hopefully. She cheered up.

"Very well", the Hokage said gravely, " I approve of your mission plain, Jiraiya. However I cannot allocate you too much resources to your search. You may take with you, Hyuuga Hinata, Tenten and three other available ninja. Take your time."

She looked at him. He looked at her.

"Well?"

He looked at her.

"No! No 'one-for-the-road' !"

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was waiting for him outside the Hokage's tower. He looked like he was wrestling with a very disturbing thought. It was as if he was coming to terms with a very difficult question in his mind over the events that had transpired over the last month.

"Jiraiya-sama! Chotto matte! Uh...I'd like to ....well, that is...I'd like to volunteer to help find Naruto. ", he finished lamely.

Jiraiya couldn't be more surprised if Sasuke had grown another head.

"You?" He looked incredulous. " Fortunes! You must be sick!"

The older ninja started checking the younger one over. Taking his pulse and holding him by the chin to check his eyes, Jiraiya scrutinised him carefully to try and detect any sign of mental trauma.

Shaking off the older man's attentions and feeling more than a little bit exasperated, he started to explain.

"Ano...it's just that he went after me all those years ago and he's saved me a couple of times...", withering under Jiraiya's stare," alright, lots of times and I just think it's time I repaid the favour." He looked sort of sheepish, hands pockets and staring at his feet. He looked like he had admitted something that really tasted bad in his mouth.

"You're on. We leave in an hour."

* * *

At that moment, Hinata was talking to Kiba.

"Kiba-kun, do you know anyone calling themselves the 'Peeping Dog'. It's just that arse-hole had set up spy-cameras in our apartment and we'd really like to tear him a new butt-crack. In his chest."

Kiba felt a little bit faint, but managed to quash the thought of having his insides scooped out by a sweet smiling Hinata. He shook his head casually.

"It's just that what with preparing for the mission to rescue Naruto and we don't have time to track down the bastard. It'd take us a while to trace the paper-trail and so Tenten figured to set a dog to catch a dog....I'm sorry if that description offends you! It's just that you're the best tracker we know. Please can you help us? We have some clues about who he or she is but we just don't have the time. Can you do it for us? "

"Hai, yeah sure Hinata!", he tried to laugh.

Hinata gave him a hug. "Arigato Gozaimasu!". Kiba blushed.

When she left, he began to desperately think of what he could do to shift the blame. Or find a safe place to hide. Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea.

* * *

Rock Lee was at the barbecue pits again. This time with Tenten and were discussing what to do with Neji. Lee was all about forgiving him and letting bygones be bygones. Tenten suggested educating him with the soggy end of his severed legs. She had suggested severing one of his legs beforehand. Lee contended that he didn't know any better. Tenten rebutted with the argument that even though he was a spoilt, stuck-up jerk, he should still 'know better'.

"The thing is," she sighed," is that I'm genuinely happy with Naruto. It's like we connect on a totally different level. He can be so understanding and mature while still maintaining an inexplicably mocking look at life that's so wonderful to be around. Hinata is so kind and compassionate that I think I'm falling in love with her too."

Lee chewed on a slice of beef and gave her a wry look.

"You're just greedy."

"Point.", she admitted.

"So I can see why you gave up on Neji. He has the emotional range of a tea spoon. I mean, I'm finally glad I don't really care about kicking the crap out of him, you know? It's like he never really graduated past genin. Still, he's good in a fight and he's reliable. It's just so frustrating being around the prick."

"You're still assigned to his squad right? I mean, you still have to work with him right? Tsunade had me transferred to a teaching position which isn't so bad. I think she knows something I don't. Teaching kids how to throw shuriken and stuff can't be too bad, right?"

"Can't be too bad?", Lee nearly choked on his piece of meat and had to be thumped hard on the back," Can you possibly imagine having to deal with a bunch of little Narutos and Nejis?" He sniggered.

"Oh gods....."

They sat there in shocked silence contemplating that horrible thought.

Lee attempted to break the ice.

"So why didn't we ever work out, as a couple I mean?"

There was even more ice.

"Because you were an idiot.", she said in frigid tones.

"Touché."

"That and you were still obsessed with beating up Naruto, Neji and Sasuke up till about a year ago."

"Fair enough. I've gotten over that now."

"Yes, but you never thought about what _I_ needed in a relationship. It was always do your business then roll over and snore." She was getting agitated. Some of the other bar patrons were beginning to take notice of the conversation.

"And you're a pervert. You still go around peeping a lot. We know all about that." Rock Lee tried to ignore the stares he was getting from the others.

"Oh yes, and you're about this big." She made a gesture with one hand, placing thumb and forefinger about an inch apart. Lee tried to sink lower into his seat and pretend to busy himself with the menu. This was getting humiliating.

Tenten looked at his reddening face in satisfaction for a few moments. It looked like he was about to cry.

"I know about the 'peeping club' you and Jiraiya and Kakashi set up. I'm not really happy about it. But I've convinced Hinata to let it go if you can help us with two things. You don't want me to make your life even more miserable, do you?"

Rock Lee looked ready to agree to anything at this point. It was so pathetically easy to manoeuvre the conversation around to this point. She idly wondered if this technique would work on Naruto. Probably, with a little more finesse...it was so much harder to prank a prankster.

"The first thing is to help me find Naruto. It's pretty close to being a suicide mission but you're still the best taijutsu specialist in the village. The second is trivial. After that, we're even. We want the 'Peeping Dog' character's liver on a stick. We want him found and delivered to us. That shouldn't be too hard should it?"

* * *

Sasuke smirked as Tenten and Hinata escorted a despondent Rock Lee between them to the meeting point. They deposited him in a heap and went off to a shady tree and sat there, talking amongst theselves until Jiraiya showed up.

"So they got you too, huh?", Lee's tone was miserable. He didn't mind rescuing Naruto. That was bound to be exciting.

"Hmmph." Typical Sasuke remark. Luckily, he was used to interpreting the Uchiha's remarks into plain language. It meant what pray tell, do you mean?

"I mean did they fore you to go as well?", he clarified.

"Huh." No, I volunteered.

"You WHAT? You actually wanted to go? "

"Hmm" Why not? I owe Naruto a few favours.

"Nevermind. Anyway," he whispered out of the corner of his mouth," they know about the 'club' and they're itching to find the Peeping Dog. I'm going to need your help in laying a little smokescreen. No more porn means no more fun."

Sasuke went pale and barely managed a muffled "URk".

Which meant FUCKING HELL!

* * *

"...means no more fun."

Tenten and Hinata had figured that Lee would betray them. Instant gratification was still heading the top of his agenda. The concealed tap they had planted on him was working like a charm. If they could get one on the rest of the 'club', then they could track down, with Kiba's help, the doomed Peeping Dog.

Never try to second-guess a woman. That's just doomed to fail.

* * *

Yamanaka Ino was busy with hitting Nara Shikamaru over the head. He had recently been patched up by the Hokage for an emergency mission and Ino wasn't helping. He had a pretty good idea about what the mission was: rescue that idiot baka that had gotten himself into trouble _again. _He had just recovered from two broken legs and had his arms popped back into place and here she was, hitting him and complaining about being a hentai.

She was gone for two years. Two years! Two _years. _So his dad had decided to treat him to a pre-birthday get together with some friends and comrades. So they had gotten a little drunk. Well, more than a little drunk. Absolutely bloody sloshed. Then Sasuke whips out a copy of some video. How he was he supposed to know Hinata and Tenten were in it having sex? It's not like he had a good look at the case.

Why was she taking it out on him?

A little voice in his mind spoke to him, _well who else is there to take it out on?_

He swore under his breath. There were times when he hated being right.

* * *

They were standing at the spot where Naruto had disappeared. It was a wasteland. A bleak, blasted slice of hellish lanscape packed into a few square miles. That was the best way to put it. The devastation that was the direct result of a couple Rasengan going off at the same time and place awed them. It put things into perspective. Kage-bunshin aren't supposed to be able to do that. God, _Naruto _shouldn't be able to do that but as per usual, it appeared that the usual laws of reality didn't apply to Naruto. They stopped and thought of the implications of that.

"Alright, he isn't here. Can we go home now?" It was Shikamaru. There were no trails leading anywhere and no sign of life in the area for quite a distance. It was his birthday in a few days and he dearly wanted to be alive to celebrate it. He thought about this. If I don't go, Ino won't help me _celebrate _it.

He decided to derail that train of thought. The fact that Tenten had punched rather hard helped as well. _So troublesome...._

Jiraiya got up in front of them and explained his plan for rescuing Naruto.

"I don't believe Naruto is dead. He's probably been sent to the afterlife, along with the Kyuubi. Yes, the Kyuubi. Ask me later. Anyway, since it's been only a few hours since the rift occurred, the barrier between is still going to be fairly weak. I'll just summon Gamabunta and ask if we can hitch a lift with him when he goes back to the Spirit Realms. Easy! Any questions?"

He stood back and waited for the tumultuous applause for his brilliant plan.

There was silence.

Five people at that moment were thinking along the lines of, _That's his great plan? We hitch-hike on a giant toad to the afterlife and look for Naruto?_

The silence was getting to him, but he figured it was just dumbstruck awe. Might as well get on with it.

"NINPOU! KUCHIYOSE NO JUTSU!"


End file.
